Amazingly, I’m not bound and gagged on someone’s basement floor, but am, rather, alive and kicking in Berlin.
I’ve settled into my temporary home in Wedding, which I have until the 23rd of September. The old guy who owns it is currently in hospital so, most of the time, I have the place to myself. However, he does pop in every day (colostomy bag in tow) to give me helpful pointers on how to use various household objects in a more German way. For example, this is unacceptable behaviour in Germany:
After my previous lecture on how to hang up a dish towel correctly, I thought I’d just let things dry naturally from then on and avoid the whole dish towel issue altogether. Now Hermann comes in every day (at unexpected times) and puts everything away where I can’t find it neatly. We’re a bit like an Irish-German ‘Odd Couple’ – after I’ve spent the whole of the previous day unintentionally deGermanising the place, he comes round and reGermanises it, tutting good-naturedly at my slovenly ways.
However, fun as this is, the prospect of being homeless in under two weeks is gnawing at me so I’ve lined up a couple of flat viewings for tomorrow. (One woman replied saying she wanted someone ‘god-fearing’ so I ruled that one out.) After chatting to some people, I’ve decided to just go for a room in an apartment for the first few months and look for my own place a bit further down the line.
I thought my luck was in last night. I’d been at an English language stand-up comedy night in JÄÄ-ÄÄR (Estonian for ‘iceberg’) and afterwards headed back to Offside on the off chance my new buddy might be there. He wasn’t but I did meet a red-headed German named Paddy, complete with leprechaun tattoo, who offered me his spare room. It seemed like fate but it turns out I’d have to buy a bed so that’s not going to fly. Moral of the story – don’t get excited over things that happen while drinking green shots that taste like Listerine.
There’s not much to report on the job front yet (but I do have an interview on Thursday) so instead, I thought I’d make a little list of things that I’m looking forward to in Germany.
1. More sausage than I can handle – and just good-quality meat in general. Take that as you will.
2. Order, rules, systems… it’s going to make such a pleasant change.
3. Being surrounded by polite, considerate, helpful, cheerful people – and yes, I do mean the Germans. Except when they’re in Primark on a Saturday afternoon – then they’re just scary.
4. Sex in German – ja, ja, oh mein Gott, schneller, schneller, ja, ja, das ist ausgezeichnet… what a sexy language.
5. Learning German so that I can understand what’s going on during the sex.
And that pretty much brings us up to date!
Bahahaha, good luck with the learning German part! I’ve fallen off the bandwagon in that respect, but I actually do think it’s a sexy language. Or maybe I think it’s sexy because the Germans I know (and the one I married) is sexy. 😉
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I guess I just need to learn it – not everything has to be sexy (though it helps if it is) 😉
Hermann didn’t do much to inspire me… 😉
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Well if you’ll be living with a Swede, you might be inspired to learn Swedish instead. An unattractive Swede is like a unicorn.
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That laugh woke me up 🙂 Thanks for that!
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Those sound like fantastic reasons to me…Sign me up, or at least let me live vicariously!
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Your wish is my command 😉
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I like them tall, blonde, and fantastically German. You know, in case you were wondering 😛
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I just love fantastically German – but maybe not living with it 😉
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Touché. Young might be nice, too 😉
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Certainly better 😉
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Get apartment with dishwasher. In Dutch it’s called a vaatwasser!
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For all I do in the kitchen, I really don’t think it will be necessary!
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Nah then you get a German who can cook!
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Yaaaaayyyyyyyyy
that’s how this post makes me feel.
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Ha ha! Great! 🙂 More on Hermann coming soon 🙂
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The comments are almost as fun as your post. How have you managed to find THE most German of Germans? Separate tea towels for dishes and hands? I would laugh at Jan if he tried that! (Also, we have a draining rack where dishes go to dry/hang out til I can be bothered to put them away).
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I guess I’m just lucky that way 😉
I think if I laughed at Hermann he might shoot me 😉
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I did say that the German’s don’t know what’s hit them yet but I think I meant to say “Watch out GerMANs”!
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I dunno – HerMAN is home tonight and I have no lock on my door… let’s hope he doesn’t get frisky in the middle of the night 😉
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3 of the 5 things involve sex. just pointing that out. heeey Germany, Linda has arrived! 😉
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Crap, now my mam will notice that too – thanks… 😉
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Hermann where are the writing rules… I need the manual, peace.
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Hermann can’t help you right now. He’s ironing dish towels, or something 😉
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My MIL does exactly this. Sigh…
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Oh god, it gets worse! Ha ha!
I made the massive faux pas of drying my hands on a dish towel yesterday 😉
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*gulp* what a mamas boy!
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SHH! He might hear you! 🙂
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Do you have a death wish?? I was given out to soooo many times at work about this! Irish attitude: a towel is a towel is a towel 😉
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That’s how I see it too! I’ve never seen anyone have a separate hand towel and dishtowel (that look the same, by the way!) – he said it’s also for feet. I’m not sure if he’s joking.
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Yes, yes, yes, but you need to remember which towel hangs from which hook – right, hands, left, dishes (or vice versa or however Hermann rolls). Mein Gott!
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Um, the hand one is on the left I think – I’m sure I’ll mess it up again 😉 Now I just wait until he’s in his room and run in and out before he sees me 😉
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Now I’m obsessing over the right way to hang a tea towel…
Well, what is it??
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By the little tag on the back of the kitchen door seemingly. He found one that didn’t have a little tag and flung it into the bin in a fury… 😉
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This reminded me of Simon’s post about sex in foreign language. Man, you should have some fun with NOT knowing!!!
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Ja… 😉
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I have a big confession to make. But before that, I have a favor to ask. Can you email me your new address?
Now to the confession, your card never made it to the post office. 😀 FORGIVE the crazy mother.
And woman, Germany is will never know what hit them. Good luck on the new adventure!
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Aw, I was checking my mailbox up until the moment I left! I don’t really have an address yet – when I do, I’ll send it to you! Did my card arrive?
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Nope! Not yet! It will be here don’t worry, it takes about 2 months usually.
And sorry again!
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Ha ha! Don’t worry about it! I did check the mailbox every day though! I was hoping it would arrive on the day I left – something kind of perverse in that 🙂
But Germany. It will probably get here faster. It’s efficient here 😉
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Who knew there were such terrible kitchen crimes? Not hanging the dishtowel/teatowel proplerly, leaving things to drain… I imagine you didn’t tidy the open bread packet away correctly, or line the cutlery up in the cutlery drawer … Sounds a bit like my mother! 🙂
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I made the mistake of boiling my egg in a saucepan this morning – should have used this little gadget thing instead. And I put my brotchen under the grill – should have used a smaller thing I didn’t see 😉 So many mistakes!
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It sounds like a minefield in that kitchen! Good luck with your next meal. 🙂
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I think I’ll eat out 😉
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LOL, Jan boils eggs in a saucepan because it’s not worth having a gadget for the once in a blue moon that he makes an egg. His dad also boils eggs in a saucepan. Where are all the real Germans in my life?
Do you have an actual grill?! If so I’m jealous! I have the top-heat only setting on my oven, but grill it is not! It takes it about half an hour to make cheese on toast!
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I’ve got around 10 different ways to grill Brotchen 😉 I’ll do it the ‘right’ way today as he’ll probably walk in when I’m in the middle of it! Enjoying my first peaceful cup of tea of the day now – this won’t last 😉
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Hermann is gonna get old really quickly… 😉 It always amazes me that Germans are so pernickety about dishes drying on a sink but can’t queue to save their lives!
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Uh oh, he’s shown up early this morning. Thought I’d at least get breakfast out of the way… Think I left my spoon (unwashed!) in the sink. He’ll probably throw me out 😉
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Quick! Hide! Throw a blanket over your head! He’ll never know 😉
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I think I heard him cleaning it and putting it away. Will just have to mess it up again when I have my second cup of tea anyway!
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Yep, I knew it – did both my egg and my Brotchen wrong 😉
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Hahahahaha! Hermann has his work cut out for him!
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I think he’s home for the next couple of days. Death match 😉
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So tell us, how’d it go?!
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He’s broken me. I’m now doing things in a fully German way 🙂
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Aaah no, that’s just the “newbie” reflex, you’ll be back to normal service soon. We’ve all been through it. 😉
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Here’s hoping! 🙂
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Daumen drucken! (“Pressing thumbs”=our “crossing fingers” 😉
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Ooh, I like that! 🙂 Making a note 😉
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LOL, my boyfriend is clearly not a “real” German. 10 years on he still hasn’t shown me the proper way to hand a tea towel 😉
I suspect you’ll have to buy a bed wherever you go. I suppose there might be pre-furnished WG rooms out there, but I imagine they’re few and far between, unless you get one for “Zwischenmiete” where the actual tenant is away for a while but doesn’t want to give up the room, so they tempoarily re-rent it to someone else complete with all their furniture.
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Yeah, I saw another place yesterday and the bed is already there – but I’d have to buy it 😉 Wonder if she’d just put it out in the garden or something if I didn’t take it?
And you should send Jan round to ‘my old man’ – he’ll make a real man of him 😉
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She’d wait til Sperrmüll and put it out then, at which point anyone that wants can come and take it as long as they’re quicker than the rubbish collectors 😉
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What a lovely word 😉 So I could just tell her I don’t want it, watch her lug it down 2 flights of stairs, wait til she goes and run down and lug it back up again before the rubbish collectors get it… seems sensible 😉
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Yesss, that might work if Sperrmüll is any time soon 😉 Unless she decides to sell it to someone else first.
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Is it like one day a year or something? This is the first I’ve heard of it! Sounds like a good idea though! Do you have Germans fighting in the streets over lamps and the like? I’d pay to see that 😉
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I think twice a year? There should be somewhere you can look up the dates for your area. We’ve had both of ours for this year (January and June).
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I’ve probably missed it so. Oh well, roll on January! 🙂
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Good to see you’ve landed safely in Germany. Good luck with the language. If they can be as picky as that about dishtowels and pots, then I shudder at how picky they can be over proper verb conjugation.
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Oh Gott 😉 That’s all ahead of me I guess!
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So what’s the offending part on the picture with the dishes? Is it that they aren’t aligned with the metal ridges next to the sink?
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Possibly that too, but mainly because they weren’t dried and put away 😉 I’ve got a spoon on there now that’s making me paranoid – must put it away…
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Ugh, towel-drying freshly cleaned dishes is pointless (unless you’re about to use the thing you’ve cleaned, or there’s no space at the sink any more) – not only it’s excessive work, it’s hard to do well. And storing moist dishes is bordering on stupid – and wahrscheinlich is verboten, too. 🙂
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I agree with you 100% but that’s not very German of me – must try harder 😉 Or just stash stuff in my room 😉
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No only stash it, you could be more sacrilegious with it as well – like using the same dishes more than once without cleaning them. 😉
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No, no, even I wouldn’t do that! 🙂
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germans can be very proper. they have their system how things are done and that’s it – it’s a rule. i live with a german and god forbid i leave them cutleries drying there at the sink! must dry them and put EXACTLY where they belong. the same applies to anything else in apartment and life in general.
of course, there are also people who are complete opposite. for better insight i highly recommend to watch RTL2 show “Frauentausch” (Wife Exchange). it’s a “reality” show where a wife from usually good and proper german family steps into the shoes of a “bad” and “improper” german wife (ala character from “Benefits Street”) and vice versa.. it’s highly entertaining and teaches you a lot. 😀 some episodes of the show go even further and show exchange of, let’s say, sex-addict/S&M wife and a devout/god-fearing wife etc. etc. (you decide who is to be considered a good wife and bad wife in this case :D)
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Oh, we have the same show in English – Wife Swap – I used to love that! 🙂 I’ll be sure to check that out! Any idea what time/day it’s on?
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i watch it normally on Thursday evenings at 9 p.m. on RTL2. perhaps there are also rebroadcasts other days and time. or, you can catch up with previous episodes here: http://rtl2now.rtl2.de/frauentausch.php
i don’t speak a word german myself but that does not stop me from watching all kinds of tv shows in german language. and after 3 years of active listening you cannot talk behind my back thinking that i won’t understand :))
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Excellent! Thank you for that! 🙂 I’ll watch a couple of episodes tonight – the perfect intro to being a good German Hausfrau – or not 😉
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catch up on i mean 😀
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Got it 🙂 And bookmarked it! That’s my evening sorted 🙂
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I wonder how would a German cutlery-hiding mind be blown up by the fact that I have a wire rack on the spot that’s on the picture – which I use both for drying and storing stuff that I use all the time. 😉
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Yeah, you’d be killed for that here 😉
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And here was I in my Latvian naiveté, thinking that there was no other way of doing it. 🙂
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Silly Latvian 😉
There’ll be more on Herman in the next post – it gets better 🙂
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Can’t wait! 🙂
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You made it! And just in time for Oktoberfest. There should be plenty of point 1 available.
And did you say in the last post you ordered a beer for €1.70?
Save me a seat at the bar. I’m coming over.
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Got an Erdinger today for €2 – that would be around €6 or more in Dublin! 🙂
I don’t think I’ll make Oktoberfest this year but you never know!
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No kidding?! That’s about $8 in NYC for a pint.
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Dublin is bloody expensive! Berlin is so cheap in comparison – even to Riga… go figure 😉
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Good to have priorities when it comes to language learning. When you’re old and sexually unattractive you can build it into a niche language teaching business slash comedy routine.
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After today, I’m moving ‘sex German’ waaaaaay down the list – now it’s all about transport and directions in German 😉
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It’s possible you could substitute sex German for a lot of actual language capability. I mean – I don’t know. I haven’t tried. I’m just guessing…
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It’s a theory I’m willing to explore 😉
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Write up the report and let us know!
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You want a report? What are you? German? 😉
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Ha! Oh dear…
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Good luck with the apartment hunting! German/Irish odd couple sounds cute, but it might get old… especially if you keep making all these lovely friends and have to buy your roomie some earplugs. 🙂
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Exactly 😉 I got home this evening and he’d moved everything again – it’s kind of funny but it will get old pretty fast! Saw one apartment today and seeing another in a couple of hours – fingers crossed! 🙂
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Great opening line. I’d love to meet your muse! 🙂
Elder Herman sounds awesome! It really does sound like something from a TV sitcom; what a fun introduction to Germany.
Just a thought- If you were bound and gagged in someone’s basement, at least it would solve your homeless problem…..
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Ha ha! Thank you for the line! You’re not the only person who’s asked something similar recently 😉
Well, I have until the 23rd with Elder Herman – after that, I’ll do my best on the basement floor front 😉
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Thanks for commenting on my blog so I could find you here… welcome to Germany – judging by this post alone, I’m going to enjoy your German ride. So to speak 😉
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Ha ha! Thanks! I think it was bevchen who pointed me in your direction actually – she knows I like the sausage 😉
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good luck with that interview – and room search – from my experience Germans are known for flat sharing, so I am sure you will find some nice people and the bed 🙂
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I hope so! First one is at 1.30 and another at 7.30 this evening. Should be an experience either way! 🙂
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I literally LOL´d at the sex in German.
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That will probably be the actual result as well 😉
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try fefi (i don’t know how it’s spelt!) hehe… 😛
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And I have no clue either 😉
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Hmmm…
Claudia hat ‘nen Schaeferhund
and
Geschwisterliebe
and perhaps
Schlaflied
Once you understand those three concepts in their full German context, you will truly understand the adventure you are embarking on. 😉
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Hmm, the first one won’t translate which scares me a little. I presume it’s not something innocent about Claudia and her dog?
Sibling love???
And lullaby – that sounds nice… 😉
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I can tell you that all three were lovingly developed by a famous trio of doctors. 🙂
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I’m a little scared 😉
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Are they all Ärzte songs?? Just a guess based on the “trio of doctors”.
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Yep…
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My twisted Lithuanian mind just merged your points 2, 4 and into a “schneller, schneller, shut up and do this by the rule book!” And if ya can’t understand German and thus cannot follow the sex rules- BAM! you’re out of luck and might get a fine 😉 or worse and in a nightmare of… say – wait for it – begins with “D: and there’s a ‘king’ there too 😀
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SAFE WORD! SAFE WORD! 🙂
You should show this twisted side of you more often 😉
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don’t encourage me, that side of me, while quite fun to hang out with, can be rather scary too 😉
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I don’t scare easily but… 😉
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You may have to buy a bed to accomplish point 4….
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I’ve got a bed here – might have to buy Herman some ear plugs 😉
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And maybe not 😉
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PN, I’m shocked 😉
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So am I!!
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Ahaha, yes, many (mostly older) Germans act like this. But I ALWAYS let things dry like this… Interesting that you like all of the stuff that made me runaway to Latvia :D.
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I’m trying to think of something that would make me run back to Latvia… NEIN, I’ve got nothing 😉
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That ‘nein’ cracks me up! 😀
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NEIN! That is not acceptable! 🙂
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okay… it took you nearly four years to get some booty in latvia but in germany you got it first night… that fast isnt it?
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No, no, I’m just practising for when it does happen! 🙂 Now I have to practise it with a happy face, not an angry one 😉
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btw I absolutely HATE how german (especially austrian german) sounds in bed. its so non romantic… I am however totally swept away with british accent… I could fall for a guy with physical flaws as long as he s got that accent. turns me on like crazy. but then to each his own=) have some fun with german guys while I try my luck with british/irish boys;)
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Ooh, I do like a nice English accent as well. Or Welsh but that’s more for comedy value 😉
Yeah, I’m having a hard time imagining romantic/sexual German but we’ll see 😉
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As always the comments are as much fun as the post. (Spoken in a really nice British accent) 😉
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So true! 🙂 Love this part!
(Spoken in a beautiful lilting Irish accent) 😉
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Lol, (typed breathlessly, with a sultry, sexy British accent) 🙂
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I’ve heard what you sound like now – though you were shrieking a bit at the time 😉
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Shrieking!!! Was it recorded? Oh the shame 😉
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Shrieking!!! Was it recorded? Oh the shame 😉 Did you see the cold bucket of water video on my face book
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That’s what I’m talking about 😉 I thought you did very well! 🙂 The hosing was a bit much!
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They took advantage of the situation.
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I would have too 😉 You did kind of ask for it!
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Tut tut and I thought we were friends
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We are but only if you don’t send me any cats 😉
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Mmm Berlin is not too far away
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You can send them to No Fixed Address, Berlin, Germany 😉
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🙂
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