Hermann makes a woman of me

I’ve had my first German sexual encounter. I think. As with most things, it wasn’t what I was expecting and I’m not even sure it was a sexual encounter. At least, I know it wasn’t for me anyway…

So I’m sitting in my room, working away on my laptop and dressed in my (very nice, mostly cream) interview dress. Hermann knocks at the door. When I open it, he’s standing there looking a bit dishevelled and out of breath. He draws a line with his finger from his throat down to his crotch, which I take to mean that he’s had some sort of major operation. (Now I think he may have been pointing at something else entirely.)

He asks me to help him in the kitchen, so I dutifully trot along after him. When we get there, I see that he’s emptied the fridge and now wants me to clean it. Sigh. He pulls out an apron and puts it on me, fastening it with a chain… Then I get my instructions on how to clean a fridge, German-style.

So, I’m bent over with my head in the fridge; Hermann has placed himself on a seat right behind me. Suddenly, I hear cries of:


coming from the general direction of my ass.

Hermie: Wait, what is this?

Me: Umm, it looks like a bit of card stuck to the back of the fridge.

Hermie: NEIN.

Me: (scrubbing at it ineffectually) Maybe we can put some hot water on it and let it soak for a while…

Hermie: NEIN!

So he grabs a knife, bends over my back and starts attacking the offending bit of card like a man possessed. For someone who didn’t have the strength to wipe down the rest of the fridge, he’s making up for it now,ย grunting and working up a sweat as he hacks at the card, his considerable girth finding repose on my nice-interview-dress-clad behind.


Close encounters of the fridge kind
Close encounters of the fridge kind

Smelling of industrial strength cleaner and old man sweat, I retired to my room, only to be disturbed again a few minutes later. Hermann needed my help printing something. When I managed to do it, he kissed me on my cheek. I guess this is the German version of snuggling.

Anyway, as I’ve mentioned, I was in my nice interview dress because, yes, you guessed it, I had interviews. The first was with a German man and I was in and out in 15 minutes flat. The second was with an English woman and I was there for almost two hours. We bonded over Hermann and his dish towels in the first five minutes (she’d had a similar experience when she first arrived) and got on like a house on fire after that.

Me: So, when do you think you’ll let me know?

Sally: Oh no, we definitely have work for you!ย 

And she gave me a group there and then. Later that day, I got an email from the other school, saying that they also have a group for me. It’s not much, but it’s a start – and a big relief to know that I am hirable in Deutschland. So I went and celebrated with a cup of tea in a Mercedes-Benz showroom – as you do.

All in all, it’s been quite the week. JAWOHL!


131 thoughts on “Hermann makes a woman of me”

  1. hahaha, as always the blog comments are almost as good as the blog. How did the move go today? And what will you be naming your Swedish roomie? Mats? Odin? Viktor? Axel? He doesn’t know what’s in store for him ๐Ÿ˜‰

    ps-congrats on this webpage already having 3500 hits!!!


    1. Less furniture ๐Ÿ™‚ I could hardly move in H’s place he had so much stuff!
      I’ll be teaching adults – one business English, one general English. They’re elementary level which will be a challenge for me! It’s a while since I’ve taught low levels.

      Liked by 1 person

                1. Exactly! It’s nice to have a bit of peace ๐Ÿ™‚ Got a big hug and kiss from Hermie when I left ๐Ÿ˜‰
                  The Swede took me on a little walk around the neighbourhood and made up my bed for me so he was very welcoming!


  2. girly! you ARE kicking some a$% just as I predicted…you found a place and a job so fast!….bravissima!! brava, brava…..your fridge story had me laughing a lot….hubby was asking what was making me laugh….I told him it was you…he says congrats on your jobs as well….


  3. Coincidentally, I’m reading a historical crime novel, where a Latvian POW is freed somewhere deep in rural Prussia in 1919. He starts to work for a farmer family (no means to get home) and practically becomes a member of the family. Its head is an old super-patriotic, never-been-far-away-from-his-farm sauerkraut fart, who can do much work any more, so the POW has to do most of it โ€“ but the fart certainly shows the silly Latvian the Prussian right way to do stuff! Like when the POW works with a hammer, the fart takes it away, saying ‘this is how you should hold a hammer!’ and holding it in exactly the same way.

    The novel was published 12 years ago, but the deja vu is so strong, it’s almost scary! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Little! The thing is bloody huge! He’s very happy with my cleaning skills though ๐Ÿ™‚
      I’ve never heard of dry humping as a way of building up to a proposal – maybe it’s a German thing ๐Ÿ™‚


      1. My refrigerator is the size of a shipping container. I love it, except when it needs to be cleaned.
        The combination of dry humping and immaculate kitchen equipment may be a uniquely German form of eros ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hermann isn’t his real name. I rarely use real names! His real name is actually more German than that!!
      Forgot you guys don’t say ‘house on fire’ – funny ๐Ÿ™‚


    1. I really didn’t exaggerate! I’m prone to exaggeration but I couldn’t have made this up (or better/worse) if I’d tried!
      And thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚ Your rain came this way this morning – boo ๐Ÿ˜‰


  4. Just found your (new) blog and I’m sorry I hadn’t found it earlier. You are hilarious! Sounds like you’re counting down the days to moving day, right? Very interested myself to know the need for ESL teachers in Berlin, but it sounds like you’ve got some bites, so it must be better than I previously thought.


    1. Hi Cynthia! Yes, I’d been told that it was impossible to ‘crack’ Berlin, but I hate being told stuff like that ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Some of the expat forums are very bleak too – while some of it is useful info, I’d say take everything with a pinch of salt and try it out for yourself!
      People move here and make it work all the time. Some fail of course, but that might be the person rather than the city! Still, I might fail miserably yet so watch this space ๐Ÿ˜‰


    1. I’ll be out late tonight so hopefully he’ll be asleep! I’m not sure he does sleep though – he was up after me last night and was on the phone by 8am this morning – at least that’s when I heard him. He could have been on it before that!


    1. It wasn’t really my choice ๐Ÿ˜‰
      I think he’s 74, from what I can work out! I’ll be moving out on Sunday anyway – just have to make sure he doesn’t sneak into my room in the meantime ๐Ÿ˜‰


      1. otherwise your housekeeping action may have turned him on. maybe next time you should bake a pie, go to the balcony and hope to attract a hot german guy with its smell…


      2. Linda I have to warn you though once you start men hunting in Berlin. germans are weird, weird lovers. they re all a bit Hermann`ish to be honest and its the strangest things that turn them on. The three German men Ive had in my life were all fetishists. One wanted to dominate to the point that he wanted a servant/slave for a girlfriend. the second one wanted to be humiliated and dominated and had a ton of toilet related fetishes (naturally I ran away very soon). the third one was like what that lithuanian friend of yours described – he had sex by the rulebook and if I ever broke any rules… oh horros!
        its funny because I am the most boring and average woman one would ever meet and kinda just looking for a normal guy. Ive actually had a bit of success with very normal, very balanced british and irish lads (allthough I did meet quite a few weirdos there too) and our austrian countryboys were also not that bad to me. but the germans… oh I just dont know. Ive given up on them I only attract the worst kind. so be carefull! and write in detail if you ever manage to go on a date with one of them ๐Ÿ˜‰


        1. Hmm, I think any sort of toilet fetish would have me running for the door as well! I guess there have to be a couple of ‘normal’ ones out there, somewhere ๐Ÿ˜‰


  5. So congrats on the jobs. Excellent start indeed.
    Now on the side notes of my twisted mind. if I get the time-line right, you’ve first had your interviews, and then had had THIS with Hermie, Ja? In that case it wasn’t just any German sexual encounter, it was a celebratory one ๐Ÿ˜€ Good thing you’re moving in with the Swede. I kind of dread what kind of celebration there’d be after you’ve started your work ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I’d really rather not think about that! ๐Ÿ™‚
      Your timeline is correct – one interview on Wednesday, one on Thursday morning – this happened on Thursday afternoon. I went out for the night shortly afterwards. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Another side-note (I’ve warned you, that once this side of me is out, it’s hard to get it silent), If yeah ever fail to find a teaching job in Germany, you could always start a writing career. Something in style of Fifty Shades of Gray only with some Irish take on Germany. This entry make the first chapter already ๐Ÿ˜€ o_O

        Liked by 2 people

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