Berlin, German people, Humor, Humour

A Bjorn Loser

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On Wednesday evening, just as I was starting to relax and enjoy the peace, Bjorn came back. Yes, his 8 – 9 day trip, had turned into a one day trip. This one day did finally give me a chance to tackle the fridge of dysentery, disease and death, though.

HOW can anyone live like this?

I opened the door to a slightly battered-looking Bjorn, complete with broken nose and black eyes. Seemingly, he’d been jumped by some Turks in Sweden. This may or may not be fictitious.

Me: Where’s your key?

Bjorn: I gave it to my wife to mind and she forgot to give it back. 

Yes, Bjorn is married – to an insane Russian, who also may or may not be fictitious. Bjorn has spent the last few weeks living in fear of said wife, who is an evil genius when it comes to technology. She has been hacking his mobile and screwing with his life, so he keeps on switching off the wifi to deny her access. So it makes perfect sense that they would go to Sweden together…

Me: Why would you do that?

Bjorn: Ramble, ramble, nonsense, bullshit…

Me: Sigh. 

On Thursday morning, I packed my laptop, as Thursday is the day of loneliness when it comes to lessons. I figured if the students didn’t show up again, I could at least get some other work done. This week, two out of four groups showed up, which I guess is progress. One of the groups didn’t have a single German in it, just two Spaniards, an El Salvadoran, and a Pole. Welcome to Berlin.

When I got home in the evening, I was rather surprised to find the front door open. He didn’t, he couldn’t have… He did.

2014-10-10 11.34.26

When Bjorn showed up around half an hour later, I was spitting mad, but decided to start off in a calm, Germanic way.

Me: Are you aware that you left the front door open?

Bjorn: Well, I didn’t know what time you’d be back, and I had to go out. 

(Warning: The conversation goes a bit ‘Tarantino’ at this point.)

Me: Are you a complete and utter fucking moron?

Bjorn: No, it’s fine. I’ve done it before…

Me: You what?? Are you actually fucking mentally ill? Anything could have happened. All of my stuff is here. Where is your fucking key?

Bjorn: My wife isn’t answering her phone. 

Me: Well, fucking call her again, and keep calling her. What is your cunning plan for tomorrow? Go out all day again and leave the fucking door open? Maybe you could put the fucking frying pan on the ring while you’re at it, to heat up the place for when you get back. You total fucking gobshite. 

I would like to say at this point that I am a rather articulate person in real life. However, when faced with this unprecedented level of stupidity, all decorum went out the window. It’s perfectly clear that Bjorn has zero respect for his own stuff, but it would be nice to know that I can actually go out and expect my things to be here when I get back.

Hermann would just die…

Yesterday afternoon, craving some normal conversation, I met up with my new best friend, Dietmar. We met at the restaurant where we first got talking. Over a couple of glasses of Chardonnay, we caught up, and I filled him in on my current living situation. When I showed him the photos of the fridge, he almost passed out. He offered to help me find somewhere new; I gratefully accepted.

Dietmar: I’d like to take you to a speakeasy in a ruin. Would you like that?

Me: Sounds great! 

And then this happened...
And then this happened…

We hopped on his scooter and zipped off into the night, me probably cutting off his circulation in the process. The speakeasy was just opening when we got there and was indeed in a ruin. Only in Berlin!

2014-10-11 19.06.58
The host with the most

Given the choice between spending the night with a mad Swede or a sexy older German man, the decision was pretty easy. It also meant that Bjorn would be locked out for the night, so the flat had a much better chance of survival.

I ignored all calls and texts, had a nice leisurely breakfast with Dietmar today, and eventually made my way home for around 1 o’clock.

Bjorn: You didn’t tell me you wouldn’t be coming home. 

Me: I did. You just didn’t listen. You never fucking listen. 

Bjorn: I had to check in to a hotel. I checked out at 7am and have been waiting for you ever since.

Me: Why would you do that? You really are a total fucking idiot, you know that? 

Bjorn: Ramble, ramble, nonsense, bullshit…

Me: Look. I’m sick of fucking listening to this. Sort out your fucking wife, get your fucking key and sort your fucking life out. You asshole. You’re 36 years old and you live like a fucking moron. 

Bjorn: Wow, I had no idea you were so crazy. 

Me: ME? I’M CRAZY? YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND UTTER NUTTER. I can’t take this any more. I’m moving out. Give me back my fucking deposit and I’ll be gone by the end of the week. 

Bjorn: Oh, I bought cookies. You can have one if you like. 

Me: Fucking psycho. 

Around half an hour after this conversation, the phone rang. It was Dietmar to say that he’d found me a room. I think I love that man. God bless German efficiency.

 

 

155 thoughts on “A Bjorn Loser”

  1. Pingback: Back to the Bürgeramt | Expat Eye on Germany

  3. So happy you’re on your way out (or maybe out already as I’m just catching up). By the sounds of it, Bjorn has some signs of a schizophrenia-like condition. Poor guy needs help, but obviously it is not your role. That’s for the pros.

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  4. Pingback: Non, je ne regrette rien | Expat Eye on Germany

  5. See – that’s the thing with people who are not Latvians. Latvians might seem weird-pscycho-silent-non-smiling-serial-killerish or leopardprint-will-gut-you-for-looking-at-my-man-ish, but then you get to know them and they are perfectly normal, rather boring people… or all of the previously mentioned things. But people from Western Europe seem perfectly normal, kind, nice even and then they pull the crazy shit at unsuspecting you! 😀 😀 😀

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    1. Ha ha! You might be right! Looking back, I think I knew from the beginning something wasn’t quite right with this guy, but I was under pressure to find somewhere and thought I could make anything work for a few months. Turned out I couldn’t 😉

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  6. Good riddance to Bjorn and his open-door policy. Did he serious offer you a cookie in the midst of that argument?! What a weird-o.

    Best of luck with your new apartment, you deserve a better place!

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  7. Wow, Bjorn sounds like a nutter, you’re definitely best of out of there! Forgive me, but I’m kind of glad things have seemingly picked up in Germany where they left of in Latvia. PN told me about your new blog and I was expecting your life now to be the model of German efficiency!

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      1. You do seem to have a knack of searching out ‘interesting’ people… I guess it keeps life interesting! I hope you’re settling in well in Deutschland and not missing Latvia too much…

        All is well with us thanks. The little bundle of joy is a very active bundle of joy right now. Crawling everywhere, just starting to stand up and sticking absolutely everything in her mouth!

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  8. Hey linda! if things go bad in germany you can always come back to Latvia and become a trolleybus stripper. here check this out:

    see what you are missing! and yes. more leopard print)

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  9. Part of me is thrilled that you’re getting out for your own safety. Part of med wishes you coukd stick around, as they’re might be a great wacky screen play in it. Then again, you’d probably be in a nut house by the time the film went into production.

    Sounds to me, a bit like substance abuse may be involved in some way. I’m just so glad you’re getting away from this nut job. I don’t blame you for leaving him to fend for himself or for going off on him. He’s not your child in spite of the fact that he may act like one.

    On another note, what is Dietmer’s story? He’s a cutie! Does he have any available sons?

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    1. I can understand someone mislaying their keys – a few times 😉 Giving them to a wife you think is trying to ruin your life, losing your mobile, losing your laptop, getting in a fight, failing to make a flight on 3 separate occasions… that I can’t really understand 😉
      And I’m sure PF wouldn’t get much sympathy from you if he went out all day and left the door open so he could get back in again 😉

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      1. I almost feel sorry for the poor man. I hope he doesn’t get the Russian mafia trying to chop his bits off or spike him with a poisoned brolly.
        PF has already tried that one, several times. We have the advantage of having neighbors who are not only OAPs, but scare the hell out of anyone who wanders in. They are the equivalent of German Shepherds for intruders – lovely to us and suspicious of anyone they don’t know. Works perfectly when you have a scatterbrained hubby.

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  12. get the hell outta there, girl! I’m seriously worried about your health, life, sanity, etc. One thing is if your things get stolen, the other if that prick leaves the door open during night time, and… Well, you catch my drift, I think.
    On the most serious note, get to the nearest Dildo King and get yourself a pair of handcuffs – so if he tries to leave the door unlocked while he has no key, you can cuff him and leave to guard the property. Then you can either let Bjorn go for good behavior, or, if he weren’t any good, or if you’re still pissed, you can *loose the key*, and move out 😉

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      1. Ha! I’m indeed one scary woman, and since Bjorn single handedly tried to ruin my fantasy sexual relationship with a Swede viking, that’s just the beginning of my revenge on him, so I better not come near him in person and you, hopefully, move in next to just some regular German pervert or something. But for now because of the prick i really have to try hard – and who wants it try hard during own FANTASIES, huh?- to get my mindset back to a right mood and imagine myself in a heaven of useful men from Norge, who can clean house, wash dishes and breastfeed a baby, etc., etc. while I DO get to play a couch potato with a can of beer in my one hand, a TV remote in another and all comfy in front of TV, and all in the name of equal rights for men and women 🙂 *drooling and dreaming*

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          1. Hm, might be worth a try. Only problem is that for some reason I associate Denmark with countless numbers of skippy sheep and grunting pigs (courtesy of some travel documentary most probably), and those animals are way too much distracting for my fantasy escapes 😉

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              1. depends 😉 but most definitely none would not fit a clean-cook-raise kids and do like everything for me fantasy for sure. One of these things yes, but to do everything- no. Even MY wild imagination cannot help me with that, so one has to do what one has to do, and if real life men are only good to take out trash after you’ve only asked like 5 times or so, then why not roam the green pastures of fantasies 😀

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  13. I don’t know which one of you I feel more for: it is not a great place to live like that for you, must be quite scary too with somebody so unpredictable, but then Björn can’t be well, and by the sound of it he is not getting any help either. Maybe he doesn’t even know where to turn for help? What a life it must be to live like that?!

    Good for you to get out though!

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    1. Yeah, he’s really not my problem. He has a family, he has a ‘wife’, maybe he has friends somewhere… if they can’t see anything wrong in how he’s behaving then they must be even odder than he is. And that’s saying something. Today he’s acting like everything is great again.

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        1. Well, now he’s not going to give me back my deposit and wants me to pay for an extra month. I wouldn’t waste your energy feeling sorry for him. I can’t think of anyone less deserving.

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  14. this room…

    have you checked whether it is with any OCD sex monsters or Certifiable scandinavians or other noteworthy lunatics?

    I think you should make doubly sure…and possibly tell many many people where you plan to be at all times…

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    1. It’s with German girls so I should be safe enough! And they’re employees of Dietmar’s whose judgement I trust! Nothing but Germans all the way from now on 😉

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  15. Woah. From previous descriptions I totally thought Bjorn was a student, maybe early 20s and enjoying Berlin life a hair too much. Late 30s and married did not even occur to me. Wtf is going on here? Good lord. Thank goodness for Dietmar. Run for the hills and never look back!~

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  16. “Sexy older German man?” 😉 Breakfast after speakeasy? 😉

    As for Bjorn….You couldn’t make this shit up. Seriously. As entertaining as it is to read about, the photos of the disarray in the house made me cringe. He’s 36, his wife is nowhere to be found, he lives like that? It’s really sad that someone of that age can’t take care of himself. I hope your new place is much better, with a way better roommate.

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    1. I know – me too! He’s supposed to be getting the locks changed today – don’t know why as it should be easier to just get his key back. If he forgets to put the new one under the mat (more safety), I’ll be locked out this evening. It’s just so much unnecessary stress.

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            1. He told me he was in real estate when I first met him. That turned out not to be true. He does some telemarketing from time to time. When he’s awake. Yesterday he went to bed at 4pm and didn’t get up until after I’d left this morning.

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              1. That BLOWS MY MIND. How are you such a loser at 36? How do you afford to live? These are mostly rhetorical, but whatever gig he’s got lined, up, I could use some extra cash….

                I’m happy you have somewhere else to go – this situation sounds toxic.

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                1. It is. My head is full of it, when I really need to be focusing on other stuff. I’m terrified I’m going to miss a lesson, or forget to do something important for the school. It’s hard to feel organised when your home life is in chaos.

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  18. Oh dear Jesus. What kind of state was he in when you went to look at the room? I’d say he has a fairly high turnover rate. I would “guess” that wifey doesn’t exist, or if she does she’s hiding out somewhere, using a new identity…

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    1. He was OK that day, a bit disorganised but I put that down to his mum being here for a visit – she was trying to get packed up to head to the airport. She seemed really nice though. Normal mother, normal son… He also said he’d had a dinner party with some friends the night before. Friends are good. Then I asked him a while ago what nationality most of his friends are here, and he said he didn’t have any friends…

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      1. Very scary and sad. It’s not easy to have to keep starting over. As if things aren’t stressful enough without having to deal with a stranger’s mental health issues. Crossing fingers and sending vibes that all goes smoothly until move-out Friday!

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        1. Thank you! I’m just going to try to keep a low profile from now on. I’m all shouted out. It’s exhausting dealing with someone who just doesn’t have the focus to listen to a word you say.

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  19. Hmm, I always wonder how can such freaks actually excist and have better living-conditions than many “normal” people. OK, he’s a mess and messy but he does have a rented appartment in Berlin, a job perhaps (?), some money… I hope his excuse is wealthy Swedish parents… 😀

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    2. I think his parents are wealthy. He’s probably never really had to work at anything in his life. He does some telemarketing work, but he hasn’t done anything in over a week now. I’m amazed he manages to exist too! He won’t for much longer if he keeps on leaving the damn door open 😉

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    1. Just got home and he’d left the door open again. I just cannot COPE with this! Thank god for rant-y blog posts, or I might have exploded by now!
      And yes, cookies… madness.

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  21. I actually found that hard to read in places – my heart was pounding with frustration for you. I’d have gone ballistic at him leaving the door open, too. I also can’t stand mess. Hopefully this next place will be a better stopgap until you can find a place of your own. Do some Pilates or have (another) glass of wine and go to your happy place.

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    1. It will have to be tea for now! I just got home, he’d left the fucking door open again!! I actually can’t believe it – after everything I said. Was any part of that not clear??? I’m tempted to throw his laptop off the balcony and say it got stolen while he was out…

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      1. That’s unbelievable, Linda. Roll on Friday and just get out of there. I think it’s reasonable to call any “contract” you might have had with him null and void because he hasn’t provided a safe place for you to stay and keep your possessions. I’d even consider taking that laptop as a lien in case he’s slow to pay you back your deposit. Bloody moving is such a hassle, isn’t it?

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        1. It really is. Thought I wouldn’t have to do it again for at least 3 months – and I seem to have accumulated stuff already! Still, by the end of the week, it will all be over – who knows what madness awaits at the new place though 😉 It’s all just so stressful right now. It’s hard enough moving country, interviewing, starting work, flat hunting, trying to meet people, without trying to cope with this nonsense.

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  22. I’m just catching up, reading “Mad Men and Mother Teresa” and this post together. It’s like a Tarantino script (in which the Russian wife is real, and related to gangsters). Hope you can move soon.

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    1. Hopefully at the end of the week! I have some free time so I can do a couple of trips to the new place – not sure how I’ve accumulated so much stuff already! Maybe I will write a Tarantino-esque script 🙂 I can get the wife on board – I’m sure she has many more ‘hilarious’ insights… 😉

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  23. Dear Berlinda,
    My advice to your may or may not be fictitious situation.
    Bjorn unlike his ghost wife isn’t being so transparent
    It’s quite possible it’s an excuse for being a pig.
    You might want to set a trap for the so called Russian wife
    if she exists at all.
    Ah, aren’t knight’s in shining Armour just grand.
    Remember to stay high in the saddle.
    Poor Berlin, I don’t it knows it being hit by a hurricane.
    All the best from a Russian Abbot.

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    1. I’m pretty grateful for him as well! It’s nice to have someone in your life that actually comes through for you 🙂 I’m really bad at asking people for help so it was great of him to offer. Happy Thanksgiving! Have a leg of turkey for me 🙂

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  27. Oh my lords!!

    I would have lost it much sooner if that was the place I had to come back to. No, never, not going to happen. Oh wow!

    I’m so glad you’re getting out of there. I’m sure he’s going to the sole cause of some new plague that’s going to kill him. GROSS!

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    1. I know – it’s so disgusting. I managed to blitz the place while he was gone, but it’s starting to look a bit grotty again. He’s here ALL THE TIME – he just never lifts a finger. And I’ve kind of stopped caring now that I’m leaving 😉 I don’t even know what was in that fridge… it looked like coffee but why or how could anyone spill coffee inside a fridge?!

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  28. I shouldn’t laugh, but this story is brilliant! Makes my (thankfully ex-)religious nut-job of a flatmate look like a saint, which I guess would please her a lot.

    Looking forward to reading a whole lot more of your adventures. 🙂

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    1. Ha ha, it’s OK, you can laugh 😉 I probably will at some point! Just not right now 😉
      I think he might be religious as well – there are crosses and stuff which I’m ignoring 😉 Thankfully, he hasn’t tried to push that particular brand of madness!
      Linda.

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  30. Wow, I had some interesting roommates when I lived in NYC, but this is a whole other level. Do let us know when you are safely out of Bjorn’s way. Hooray for sexy older German men! 😉

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    1. Hooray indeed! 🙂
      Hoping to be out of here by Friday, or Saturday at the latest. I’m more worried about his safety at this stage – I can’t remember the last time I was that angry…
      Stupidity brings out the worst in me 😉

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  31. Just out of curiousity why didn’t Bjorn just take your key or you and go get a copy made? In any city you can get a key made at a dozen places within 1/2 an hour 7 days a week (or at least any city in Canada) or was your worry that his wife had the other key?

    I was actually surprised that you went ballistic on his head – although you definitely had the reason to do so. Ha! When you go off, you go all the way. I kept waiting for you to say – “And that was what I was thinking but I didn’t actually say that.” But, nope. I don’t live with him, so I can’t judge the context but wow, some of those words seemed to me like hunting a mosquito with nuclear weapons. there must have been other serious frustrations that all came out at once.

    Remind me to never cross you Linda. Schew. Sounds like it’s working out though. I wish you the best and hope you can get settled in your own place soon.

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    1. Thanks Paul! Yes, crossing me is not a good idea 😉 And yes, I did actually say all of that – it takes a lot to get me that angry but when I lose it, I really lose it 😉
      He’s just such an idiot and I can’t STAND stupid people.
      There was no way I was giving him my key – since I’ve lived here (3 weeks), he’s lost his bank card, a mobile, his laptop and the key. I did actually try to get a copy made yesterday, but they wouldn’t do it. It’s one of those special keys that you need permission to copy. He’s now talking about getting the locks changed…

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      1. He can’t get a registered lock like that changed. Think about it :what would be the point in having security keys if the lock could just be changed? None, obviously. He has to find out who has the authorization (usually the landlord or building control people in a condo) to get a key made or a lock changed. I can’t believe he has lost so much so quickly. How does he exist for any period of time unless he has bottomless pockets? And even then he lost some stuff that will be hard to replace – like all the info on his laptop. I have had a few laptops and always get the C-drive copied to the next mchine. Which means I have 3 “My Documents” folders, but I labelled them from each laptop. I don’t do a lot of pictures, so there’s always room.

        I can understand your frustration Linda. By the way, how did he get in pre-Linda, when he lost his key?

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        1. My point exactly – what did he do before I got here?! I have no idea. I’m amazed he can actually get out of bed and dress himself in the mornings/afternoons – he’s that dumb. I have honestly never met anyone like him before – and hope to never meet anyone like him again. Live and learn.
          I think it will be the landlord/lady changing the locks – if he has actually spoken to them. I don’t believe a word out of his mouth. Everything he says, he contradicts at some point.

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  32. But if you leave Bjorn what will you write about? No Ginta in Leopard print, no worthless Janis, no lunatic Bjorn, just German efficiency and orderliness?

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  33. I suspect this opinion won’t be the most popular one here, but I can’t say that pictures from the front the Swede’s room are exactly apocalyptic. It’s bad, but there is still a lo-o-o-ong way to perfection. 🙂

    I can even relate: after two weeks of craploads of work and a bad cold, some parts of my flat could be used for a shocking reportage like this, too (not for too long though ;)).

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    1. What about the fridge though? 😉 I don’t even know what the hell was in there – Mr Muscle nearly fainted when I pointed him at it 😉 And that’s the tip of the iceberg in his room – the curtains are falling down, the wardrobe doors are falling off, there are stains on the carpet that I don’t even want to guess at… 😉

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      1. Are you sure it isn’t human blood on the picture on the left? 😉 Also, I’m not a good judge of dirty fridges – mine is about 40 years old, so it looks pretty terrible even when clean.

        Too bad you didn’t make photos of those things: decaying furniture and broken curtains sound much more like squalor to me. 🙂

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        1. I actually did take photos, but I didn’t want to overload people with the horror of it all 😉
          Human blood wouldn’t surprise me. He got blood all over the flat the other day – he somehow managed to slice open his foot and then walked around in his bare feet. Fool.

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      2. So, what did he slice it on? A fork? An opened tin can? A shred from a broken plate? A piece of tiling from the caved-in ceiling? A sharp bone from a rat carcass? 🙂

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  36. Your last paragraph makes me happy.

    Hell, it probably makes all of your followers happy.

    I was actually talking to my husband this morning about the crazy Bjorn, and how I was worried about you! (If you know anything about the “friendly” rivalry/antagonism between the Scandinavian countries, you won’t be surprised to know he said “f*cking Swede.” I know you’re saying it too.)

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    1. She’s somewhere in Berlin, but I’m not sure where! She hasn’t answered her phone all week – if she exists 😉
      And yup, that’s his room – disgusting… It stinks in there.

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        1. Ha ha, I wouldn’t be surprised! 🙂
          I’ll try to move out on Friday – I think I have a free day so I can do a few trips… need to get my money back from this nutter as well – that should be fun 😉

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  38. “It also meant that Bjorn would be locked out for the night …” I hope to never piss you off 😉 Of course, we’re physically miles apart but you never know.

    And kudos to Dietmar! I’d be in love with him too. Oh, wait, that’s assuming the room isn’t in his home 😉 I hope it is an apartment you can call your very own!

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    1. Ha ha! It takes a lot to piss me off that much 😉 But I think I was perfectly justified this time!
      And yes, yes, yes to the lovely Dietmar! I’ll be sharing with one of his employees – a German girl. I need to rack up a few pay slips and stuff before I can get a place of my own, but this will be fine for a couple of months! And it will be good for my German. Bjorn doesn’t speak a word of it, so sometimes I speak to him in German 😉

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Let me know what you think