German men, German people, Germany, Humor, Humour

Toilet humour

175 Comments

My hot German flatmate has a thing for British men. Or at least she did until I ruined all British men for her – forever. This was, of course, unintentional. All I did was mention my new favourite topic – the Sitzpinkel.

What you talkin' 'bout, Linda?
What you talkin’ ’bout, Linda?

For those of you not in the know, the “Sitzpinkel” literally translates as “sitpee”, or to pee sitting down, another great German compound noun.

So, what’s so special about that? Women have always sat down to pee – unless they’re Latvian. Ah, but we’re not talking about women; we’re talking about men. Yes, it’s true – proud, strong German men sit down to pee. And, for some reason, I find this massively entertaining.

Coming from a country where the men stand, pee, splash and drip with reckless abandon, I can, of course, see the advantage of the Sitzpinkel. (And Irish men don’t even have the horrors of Germanpooshelfsplashback to contend with.)

toiletsigngermanwolfgang

As I’m probably one of the most inappropriate people you’ll ever meet, I’ve been doing a little survey of my male friends and acquaintances. Here are the results:

Sit Pee-ers:

Ze Germans

Possibly the Swedes

Stand Pee-ers: 

The Irish

The Brits

The Americans

The Australians

The Latvians

The Lithuanians

The Belarussians

The Russians…

Then I ran out of friends.

I know of one British guy who married a Swede. They had a son and eventually got divorced. So now, when Sven spends time with mummy, he pees like a good Swedish boy; when he spends time with daddy, he pees like a proud Brit. Must be confusing.

My flatmates, Hildeberta and Hildegard, were absolutely horrified to learn that the two English friends I’d had in the flat had probably peed standing up. I think that I’m now banned from having non-German men over.

Our loo - where no Englishman will ever go again
Our loo – where no Englishman will ever go again

As they do the bulk of the cleaning anyway, I guess I can live with that. German women expect, nay, demand, that their men Sitzpinkel, while to me, all of this tucking in business is just a little… unmanly? In fact, when I think of the Sitzpinkel, this is the image that usually springs to mind:

Buffalo Willy
Buffalo Willy

And I do not want to think of German men in this way.

But I guess the Sitzpinkel is something I can’t change – German men tuck and I have to accept that. However, for all of you standpee-ers out there, if you ever want to be in with a chance with a German woman, you’d better be prepared to get tucked.

 

Images taken from here and here.

175 thoughts on “Toilet humour”

  1. i learnt in my ancient history class that in ancient egypt at the time of the pharoahs, men did sitzpinkel and women pinkeled standing up. just trying tp picture cleopatra doing that.

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  2. Pingback: Cheeseburgers in Paradise | Laptops and Lederhosen

  6. There seems to be some medical research indicating that sitting down to pee is better for prostate: the bladder is emptied more efficiently. That’s not only an agrument for a cleaner toilet, but also for ‘better functionioning apparatus’. Both points good enough for me. As for paying for the toilets – perhaps this way they stay cleaner?

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    1. The toilets here are certainly spotless the vast majority of the time! I don’t mind paying for toilets around the city, in parks, etc. I do object to paying for the ones in shopping centres, especially when they have a food court which all of them do! That’s interesting about the medical research though – you may convince some more men to sit! 🙂

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  7. I’ve had this mildly awkward, on his part, conversation with Herrball. His answer was: “It depends how much time I have. If I need to be out quickly I stand. If I don’t, I sit.” (He’ll probably shit a brick if he ever finds out I told you this. HA!) We’ve also had the fold or crumple toilet paper conversation.
    To be honest, I’m glad I don’t have to worry about pee on the toilet seat when he uses the toilet. My roommate on the other hand could definitely benefit from it.

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  13. “Women have always sat down to pee – unless they’re Latvian”
    Hahahahahahahahaha !!!!
    Im a man, and I also hate when I have male guests at home and then they pee all around the toilet… but not all guys are such a disaster, some are accurate as a sniper. Or at least some male guests doesnt leave their mark 😀 Along the time I already know from who of my friends I will expect they leave my toilet all pissed around…
    Im also accurate… :p and if I fail at least surely I mind to clean it with toilet paper… but squating ?? no not me.. never 😀 better to work on the practice for accuracy 🙂
    Greetings !

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      1. Sure if it is in a public place or outdoors, it is more allowed to pee and play with the aim, leave signature, and so on, wherever just because the simple fact that we can do it 😀 but if it comes to be a guest at someones place, better to aim 😀

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            1. I know but I thought for a while how cool would it be after 10 beers to relieve yourself in a creative way on a brand new snow…. we women are deprived of such things

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  15. Canadian males definitely stand to pee. I heard of one friend one time sitting down to pee but I think it was because he was so hungover, he literally couldn’t stand without falling over. I think the men here would get strange looks if they sat down, the whole perceived “that’s what girls do”. Novel concept though!

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  16. What about in public? Don’t they use urinals and stand up? And if the also sit and tuck in public, does that mean that German men also queue for toilets at concerts just like women do the world over?

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  17. I’ve always wondered why men pee standing up when there’s a perfectly good toilet seat to rest on. Of course, when my husband and I go hiking, I have serious penis envy because he can pee standing up and I have to squat … and make sure there’s no brambles or nasty thorns nearby … not to mention that here’s my bum out there for all kinds of biting insects to dive-bomb. Hiking aside, I’ve always thought peeing standing up left one vulnerable to mishaps, but I guess as long as “your aim is true” …

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    1. I guess that’s the main problem – most men’s aim is not true! 🙂 As I’m not a hiker, the squat toilets in LV were the last time I had to squat – it will take a long time to get over the scars 😉 I had some definite penis envy then!

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    1. Ha, yeah, I can just see all the college jocks sitting down like good little boys 😉 I can’t imagine Irish guys doing it either. Unless they’re in there for a while and reading at the same time 😉

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  19. oh Linda I thought you were finally done with toilet humour and switched to sausage humor. as for me, the two German men I had in my life did pee standing up (at least I hope so) but the idea of always doing it sitting down is so weird…… God if I ever have a kid I hope its a girl! male anatony is too complicated for me

    also the idea of men always peeing sitting up is unmanly indeed. maybe some German men can share their opinions? Im kinda lost for words. whats next? women peeing standing up?

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    1. Oh Emmi, I’m not sure I’ll ever be done with toilet humour! 🙂 So I take it Austrian men don’t sitzpinkel?? I thought they might do the same as the Germans…

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      1. my dad doesnt sitzpinkel and neither did my Austrain ex. since I dont use male toliets I honestly have no idea what others do. maybe Im just not very interested in it so if we have this notion I missed it. but we have urinals in male toliets and I assumed all men do this standing up… isnt that like the biggest advantage of being male? to be able to pee wherever you want?

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  21. I just relayed this post to Arūnas (in the hopes that he might follow suit) and he’s horrified at the concept. “She’s taking the piss”, he said, no pun intended. He’s walking round the house shaking his head. Given the amount of Poles, Latvians, Lithuanians, etc. that drive through Germany every day I would suggest that Germans sit at home and stand when out as the loos are more likely to be clean at home!

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    2. Ha, I think that is what they do! And I love Arūnas’ reaction 🙂 Tell him if he gets one drop on your new bathroom, you’ll have to force the issue 😉 Or make a sign. People love signs 🙂

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  23. So, in the public male loos over there, don’t they have the urinals that I understand (ahem) are found in male loos in many countries of the world? Or, are there just sit down facilities everywhere, in cubicles? Man, this blogging lurk teaches us so much Awfully Important Stuff.

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    2. I’m such a fountain of important information 😉 I think they do use urinals in bars, but my British friends say that even those toilets are spotless in comparison to other countries! I guess German men are just tidy 😉

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  25. This was fascinating. It would make sense for guys to pee sitting down especially tall guys. If I ever own my own house with a yard I will just pee standing outside. No worries about aiming or splashes. It would be good bonding time with the dog.

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  26. Agreed, when you first learn about it, it’s a little weird. Some people here do use ‘Sitzpinkel’ as an insult, so it doesn’t seem to be everyone… but I fully support anything that means less of a mess in the bathroom. Just try not to picture the tucking!!

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      1. Find yourself a German gent… stat!

        We’ve talked about this several times, and BV says that a lot of guys sit when out in public, but stand at home. I guess they care more about the condition of other people’s toilets than their own? Seems like it’d be overly complicated to be switching it up all the time…

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  27. Okay – your timing is uncanny because just the other day I heard a news report about a man who had won a court case, defending his right to pee standing up. His landlord was suing for damages of pee-splatter on marble floors and walls. (That’s some splatter!) Anyway – his defense was that sitzplinkening was immasculating and he wanted to be a manly-man. He won! 🙂

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  29. As a Canadian stander , I am flabbergasted that German men are forced to take such a posture. Although I must confess that I have a good friend Penny who has 6 or 7 children and until #6 they were all boys. She was a single Mom (married now) and she tired of cleaning the toilet so she imposed a rule that all boys must sit to pee.and she taught them that from an early age. i teased her taht she was emasculating them and she replied that when they cleaned the toilet they could do it as they pleased.

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  31. I have actually argued with Jan about this! He says sitting down to pee is only polite/less messy, also if you’re doing a wee AND a pooh you sit down and tuck in so it’s clearly not unnatural. The only come back I can think of is “But… men pee standing up!!”. Cannot get my head around it! Not all German men sit down to pee though – at least I’m assuming not based on the use of the term “Sitzpinkler” to mean wimp/pussy (alternative terms for this are Warmduscher (one who showers in warm water – presumably real men use cold?) and Weichei (literally “soft egg”).

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    2. Ha ha! I love that ‘Warmduscher’ is considered an insult 😉 Yeah, I think we’re in the same boat on this one! Still, I guess it’s nice that you don’t have to mop up Jan’s wee – that would take the romance out of things slightly 😉

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        1. Oh, please do and let me know! I reckon Bavarians sitzpinkel though – they’re like the most German of Germans! And they wouldn’t want to splash their lovely Lederhosen 😉

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    2. Sorry to jump in here but I have important information: there is a law in Germany, which says you have to be allowed to use a toilet if you really have to go, even though you wouldn’t have money to pay for it. I can just imagine how some politician had an awkward moment when he has been refused entrance by one of the scary toilet ladies, so he decided to create a law for it…

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      1. Ha ha! Yeah, the paying for the toilet thing really annoys me – especially in shopping centres and the like. If I’m there, I’m probably spending money anyway – the toilets should be free of charge!

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                3. They’re probably pretty open-minded 🙂 My flatmates were a bit astounded that I was going around asking guys this question though. However, the guys took it well! 🙂

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        1. You and your cake 😉 I have been eating it – just not that interesting to get a post out of it! But I’ll do my best 🙂 Cake has been featured a little – just as an aside rather than the post focus though!

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          1. well it certainly doesnt have to all focus on cake alone but cant you do a “my 10 fave german dishes/beer types or my ten fave german pubs/restraunts type of thing? I know its too primitive and most expats do it on their blogs but I would love to see your take on it with some fun approach. instead of listing different peeing habits…. and right after that great post on pork!

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