A visit to a German sauna – a treat for ball enthusiasts

As experiences go, it’s pretty hard to top riding around the centre of Berlin in a bed. But luckily, I didn’t have to trouble my brain cells for too long as my English friend, Cecil, was coming to town. Cecil, the big perv German culture vulture had decided that he would like to go to a German sauna while he was here and who was I to refuse? OK, so I’d spent four years in Latvia refusing to go to saunas, but it seemed it was finally time to grow some balls and go be around complete strangers’ balls – an inevitable moment in every young woman’s life.

As I glumly regretted the Apfelstrudel, cookies, chocolate brownie, crisps and packet of Jaffa Cakes I’d eaten that week, Cecil dived into the naked corners of the internet. While I was grunting through a few half-hearted sit-ups and butt-lifting exercises, Cecil gleefully resurfaced with the new gem on the Berlin spa scene – Vabali, a 20,000 square metre, Balinese nudist colony in the heart of the city.

Having thought that my sauna adventure would consist of sloooooooooooooooooowly walking to a sauna, dropping towel and hastily exiting again four seconds or so later, this was not exactly good news. A quick look at the website revealed that the spa is open from 10am to midnight daily, and that the minimum amount of time even a chicken-shit Irish girl can spend there is two hours… Brilliant.

Trying to cheer myself up with the fact that at least I hadn’t had to fork out cash for a new bikini, I met Cecil at his hotel. As we walked to the car park to pick up his rental, Cecil had a moment of unparalleled genius while waiting for the green man:

“What’s that noise for? So deaf people know when to cross?”

Possibly in a bid to show that his driving skills were sharper than his medical knowledge, Cecil expertly manoeuvred the car out of the parking space and towards the exit. However, when we reached it, it was clear that he should have paid upstairs. Waving apologetically (and a bit Mr. Beanily) at the car waiting behind us, Cecil reversed, angled, and parked the car around 50 metres from the entrance. This left me in the enviable position of being face-to-face with all of the happy drivers who had to swerve around our car on their way in. Cecil took off at a run to the first floor machine, which was out of order, then to the second floor, where the machine worked, then clattered back down the roundy rampy thing in his sensible, English shoes. Really, it’s lucky I have a sense of humour…

We finally made it the spa where my humour and “naked spa” German failed me. We checked in (in jittery English), got our little watch things that would calculate our bill as we sauntered round in the buff, collected some towels and made our way to the changing rooms.

The walk of doom.
The walk of doom.

I took off my dress and bra and then Cecil took the piss out of me for wrapping my towel around myself to take off my tights and knickers. The rules, which had been explained to us at reception, were that you had to be naked when using the pools, saunas, and pretty much everything else, but wear a towel or robe while walking from one place to the next. With everything safely deposited in our lockers, it was time to go. I fervently wished I’d given some thought as to how to stash a bottle of whiskey in a towel before arriving.

Holding onto that towel for dear life.
Holding onto that towel for dear life.

First on the agenda was a small heated jacuzzi. I dropped my towel and ran down the steps like a woman possessed. But once I was in the water, I actually started to relax. This wasn’t so bad! Everyone was naked – nobody was looking at me or judging my Apfelstrudel consumption habits; everyone was just chilling out (naked) and having a good time. The people there ranged from 18 to 80, with the dangly bits to match, so I really didn’t feel like I had anything to hide.

This place was amazing! (Image taken from the Vabali website)
This place was amazing! (Image taken from the Vabali website)

I emerged from the pool (think of Halle Berry in that James Bond movie…) dried off a bit, and we hit a sauna. Stretched out on a bench, naked as the day I was born, all I felt was a refreshing sense of freedom – oh, and bloody hot. After all that sweating, I felt like we’d earned a glass of wine so off to the bar we went. Amazingly for the last day of October, it was still warm enough to sit outside in just a towel. The sun shone, the birds sang, I drank my wine and tried not to look at the massive balls of the man sitting at the next table with his legs coquettishly spread. This was bliss.

If you get a bit chilly, you can always warm up in here. (Image taken from the Vabali website)
If you get a bit chilly, you can always warm up in here. (Image taken from the Vabali website)

We giggled our way through saunas, massage areas, swimming pools, rest areas with water beds, and more wine, until we came to two rectangular, side-by-side, knee-deep pools of water with smooth round stones at the bottom.

Me: Hmm.

Cecil: Go on.

Me: Hmm.

As the water was only knee-deep, I figured I could leave my towel on for this one but, for some reason, Cecil was insistent I take it off… I tentatively dipped a toe in the first pool – OK, that was pleasant. I sloshed through and up the steps at the other end. I did my toe-dipping thing in the second pool and jumped about a foot in the air. The water was FREEZING.

Me: NO, NO, NO! NEIN!! It’s bloody freezing in there! 

As I tried to back backwards and Cecil pushed me forwards, you could probably hear me guffawing in actual Bali. Some Germans even stopped to watch the show, laughing almost as much as I was. I charged through the water, bits bouncing, and emerged triumphantly shivering on the other side to greet my new-found audience.

All in all, it was a great day and if you have to get your bits out in public, I highly recommend doing it in Vabali.

Disclaimer: Not everyone who comes to visit me will get to see me naked, so don’t get any ideas.

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90 thoughts on “A visit to a German sauna – a treat for ball enthusiasts”

  1. My dearly beloved wife doesn’t like to go to public sauna. But she he affects saunas in (min. 4 stars) hotel spas (with entrance for hotel guest only) when at least 150 km from home. 🙂

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      1. My wifey is not so terrified of running into one of her pupils but to have an unofficial meeting with one of her colleagues. 🙂
        Years ago, I bump my bear belly into the bear belly of our village’s mayor. He was in the wrong party and we had had some political disputes before… quite unpleasant!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am not over my German sauna experience either. I was there for like 5 hours and omg so much naked!!! Also, I had no idea that German saunas are these huge, full-service resort-like complexes. Not at all like a little log cabin where you’re beaten up by branches – Russian style.

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  3. Bahahaha, the image of you dashing naked through a pool of cold water is hilarious! You’re braver than me – I lived opposite a suana for 5 years and never ventured into it.

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  4. Yep! Yep! Yep! I know the feeling and you are very, very, very brave! I just couldn’t do it to myself! I went to this nudist colony with an ex and we were supposed to go as a group of really good freinds. Er. I don’t thinks so. I don’t want to see my “friends” (most of them male) in the nude. Unless, they’re my gay friends as they’re fit and look hot..! Anyway, I refused to go with the group and only with the ex.The colony was somewhere in East Germany, there were loads of families, children and old people. All butt naked. I wore a yellow bikini. And kept it on. You could have seen me from Mars LOL!

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  5. “As experiences go, it’s pretty hard to top riding around the centre of Berlin in a bed.” But, of course, you would! Now, I can’t imagine what you’ll do to top this story. It was hilarious and would make a great episode for your reality TV show, whenever you get around to that 😉

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  6. Hilarious! I have to admit I have never done this public naked bathing. It sounds like fun except for the freezing-ass pool. I especially like the idea of sitting around drinking wine. But why were you wearing towels for that part?

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  7. You were very brave until you realised you were stood there in just your knickers and tights 🙂 and I only took the piss out of you a little for trying to retain some modesty.

    When you stepped from the warm pool into the cold pool and refused to move, it took quite a lot of persuasion to get you moving, and when you finally did move you shrieked and giggled down the bath. The Germans were howling.

    By the way, you look great in the bathrobe 😉 but why didn’t you upload the photo of you after you had dropped the bathrobe 🙂

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  8. Haha! I also had a German naked spa experience, a few years ago, but I didn’t know it was all naked until after I arrived.
    It is, as you say, far less scary than you first think. But the plunge pool of ice water is even worse for men. Took me a while to even find certain anatomical things for a few minutes! 😉

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  9. Haha! Actually, there’s an Irish “theme” night on at our local sauna tonight! There will be an Irish dancing group who, I presume, will not be naked – but you never know, Germany and all that. There’s also a slide show which I’m sure will feature some marvellous shots of Connemara, the Burren etc., and a green light show! I’ve just made you total jeals, right? 🙂

    The cold pool with the stones is a “Kneipp” pool – I looove them!

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sebastian_Kneipp

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Cold water and naked bits… the mere thought makes me shudder! I did my naked bathing stint in Colorado (figure!), but in lovely rock pools fed by hot springs. With bubbles rising up from the bottom of the pools. Bubbles and naked bits are a good combo. Take it from me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ooh, that does sound rather pleasant! The cold water only went as far as my knees but that was more than far enough haha! The spa was so nice and peaceful – then I think everyone there heard me shrieking and laughing. You just can’t take me anywhere 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. nah, not me. I probably ain’t all that Lithuanian after all in this sense. I’m only doing naked sauna/ swimming stuff when a) all alone, b) all girls company, c) too much liquid courage. As for the option c) I haven’t been taking THAT much courage like forever. And that last time I did have that amount of courage in me, well, I ended up swimming stark naked in the middle of the night somewhere in the Bay of Riga in Jūrmala in either late March or early April, AND I was the only one of the present company to do that. So go figure – I either steer on a safe side, or do stupid things 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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