Berlin, German men, Humor, Humour, sex

Can’t find a hussy? Try “TravelPussy”!

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Having lived in Germany for a while, it’s rare that I’m still surprised by anything. The German bedding system, the massive signs for “Dildo King”, the early morning beer drinkers, the speed at which supermarket cashiers operate, the poo shelf, the reverse poo shelf…

Poo shelf
Reverse poo shelf

All of these things I take in my stride. But I do still like to be surprised on occasion, and this is exactly what happened at a service station on the way back from Münster.

Manfredas: I got you a present.

Me: From the toilet? 

Manfredas: Well, yes, but I think you’ll like it…

He was right. It turns out that for the bargain price of around €5, you can make me the happiest girl on earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you – the “TravelPussy”.

Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
What to give the blogger who has everything

Once my initial mirth had subsided, I just had to take a look inside. I’m not quite sure what I was expecting but it certainly wasn’t this.

A sandwich bag crossed with a hot water bottle?
A sandwich bag crossed with a hot water bottle?

Me: What the hell?

Manfredas: What the hell?

Clearly, I would need to read the instructions which, apart from being enlightening, were also one of the funniest things I have ever read.

  1. Open up TravelPussy. (Sure, a closed TravelPussy is no use to anyone.)
  2. Pour a very small amount of TravelPussy-Gel into the “vagina” and spread it. (The quotation marks had me in tears before I even got to the word “spread”.)
Don't leave home without it.
Don’t leave home without it.

3. Turn TravelPussy upside down and fill gently with warm water or simply blow air into it. IMPORTANT! Make sure the water is not too hot, check with your finger! (I really am not making this up.)

4. Place some TravelPussy-Gel on your penis and you are ready for a wonderful experience. (I wonder.)

5. After use, empty TravelPussy and leave it to domestic waste – not in toilet! (Yes, please guys, have some respect for your Pussy – not in toilet.)

I guess this is one of those rare occasions where size really doesn't matter.
I guess this is one of those rare occasions where size really doesn’t matter.

The environmentally-aware among you will be pleased to hear that TravelPussy is made from eudermic and eco-friendly material. TravelPussy-Gel does not contain any paraffin which is good news for those who fancy a smoke while playing with their Pussy. But be careful, it also does not contain any contraceptive or spermicide so you run the risk of knocking up your sandwich bag-hot water bottle if you don’t use a condom. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Over the course of my Saturday night out, the topic of TravelPussy came up. (OK, I brought it up.) Proving that it (she?) still had the power to surprise, it emerged that my dear friend, Nigel, had actually bought a TravelPussy. “For the laugh”, you understand.

Me: How would you sum up the experience?

Nigel: Confusing. Disappointing.

Me: Sorry, I’ll stop laughing eventually.

If you want to see confusion and disappointment in picture form, I highly recommend clicking on this link:

His face…

At the risk of lowering the tone of this blog any further, I leave you with this profound thought for the evening.

20160202_131337

You are welcome.

 

 

 

94 thoughts on “Can’t find a hussy? Try “TravelPussy”!”

  1. Pingback: Linda Nightingale to the Rescue | Expat Eye on Germany
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  3. I’m still trying to pick my jaw up off of the floor, and stop the tears from streaming down my face in laughter. Reminds me of the Fleshlight, but this is so much better. You can change the “E” to an “A” with a Sharpie, to make the Fleshlight a flashlight, but there is just no changing TravelPussy.

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    1. Ha, yeah, when I told my mam I’d be writing this post, she was like ‘maybe don’t be too explicit about it, you know, fluff it a little…’
      Me: It’s called TravelPUSSY – I can’t really fluff that 😉

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  6. “And here I thought it was a little inflatable kitten to keep lonely men company!!” (from one of the comments). That’s what I was HOPING this post would be about! You know I love kitties 😉
    But seriously … no, there’s nothing serious about this … never mind 🙂 I still think you’re sweet, at least to me … hahahahaha

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    1. Ha, you’d better be careful he doesn’t get too attached! I wonder how many women have lost their travelling husbands to TravelPussy… must be some tear-jerking stories out there… 😉

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  8. Oh man, I’m afraid I’ll just have to stop reading your blog at work. Even if my boss does not check our web surfing habits it’s still disconcerting for my co-workers to find me in tears at the keyboard when they come into my office without knocking 😀
    The sign “Only the hard …” is a literal translation of “Nur die Harten kommen in’n Garten“, which means something like “No guts, no glory.”
    This must be the coolest example of “German sentences with hilarious translations” I ever read …

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    1. Ha, yeah, I asked a German yesterday if it was a translation of something but she’d never heard of it, so I googled it and found what you just said 😉 It is so funny when it’s translated! There were some other very funny ones there too – “you walk me animally on the cookie” was another one that had me in stitches 🙂

      Manfredas also had problems reading this at work today – and obviously couldn’t explain to his colleagues why he was laughing!! Thanks for commenting! Best, Linda.

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      1. Ha, the notification about the comment going online went right into the spam filter. I guess it does not approve of mails with “Can’t find a hussy? Try TravelPussy!” in a mail with links in it. I wonder why … 🙂
        “You walk me animally on the cookie” is also great. I have to check – there must be an online collection of these things somewhere …

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  12. And here I thought it was a little inflatable kitten to keep lonely men company!! But this does seem to be an example of German efficiency. Why bother with an inflatable doll when all you need is the business end?
    I think I missed the post about Dildo King…

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      2. Judging from the review under the link, you need your hands to use it to have (presumably) fun, really.

        And I don’t need to try it to say that, if you penetrate this item and then try to drive a car, the item is likely to fall off quickly due to a severe pressure drop in the central support rod of the system. 😉

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          1. Now if you attach some sort of a vibrating or reciprocating motion device to your CelloPhanny (preferably fed via the lighter port) and maybe combine it with a dashboard screen and a subscription to special interest web-sites…

            Are you sure your friend bought you the complete device, and not just the consumable part? 😉

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  16. important question-is there a full sized pussy, since this is maybe the smaller, travel sized version? Is any of this lost in translation or is this as funny as it appears?

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    1. Ha, I’m not sure how full-sized you want! Maybe I’ll go to Dildo King and check out their non-TravelPussy range 😉
      I showed it to my German friend last night – the instructions are also in German – and it is just as funny in that language 🙂

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            1. It’s either so Germans can examine their poo (for health reasons) or so you don’t get the splashback when your poo hits the water. Never did get a definitive answer 😉

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                1. Maybe Germans have bigger poos than the average person? 😉
                  I have heard of Germans keeping poo diaries but I’m not sure there’s any truth to that…

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              2. There is a interesting explanation by Slavoy Zizek:

                In a traditional German toilet, the hole into which shit disappears after we flush is right at the front, so that shit is first laid out for us to sniff and inspect for traces of illness. In the typical French toilet, on the contrary, the hole is at the back, i.e. shit is supposed to disappear as quickly as possible. Finally, the American (Anglo-Saxon) toilet presents a synthesis, a mediation between these opposites: the toilet basin is full of water, so that the shit floats in it, visible, but not to be inspected.
                […]
                Hegel was among the first to see in the geographical triad of Germany, France and England an expression of three different existential attitudes: reflective thoroughness (German), revolutionary hastiness (French), utilitarian pragmatism (English). In political terms, this triad can be read as German conservatism, French revolutionary radicalism and English liberalism. In terms of the predominance of one sphere of social life, it is German metaphysics and poetry versus French politics and English economics. The point about toilets is that they enable us not only to discern this triad in the most intimate domain, but also to identify its underlying mechanism in the three different attitudes towards excremental excess: an ambiguous contemplative fascination; a wish to get rid of it as fast as possible; a pragmatic decision to treat it as ordinary and dispose of it in an appropriate way.

                http://www.lrb.co.uk/v26/n17/slavoj-zizek/knee-deep

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  17. I’m speechless 😀 Did you eventually stop laughing, ’cause this is like HUGE laughing material, ad I now wonder how long will it take for me to get it out of my system. And that’s only after reading about the Pussy!

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    1. I’ve been laughing most of the day knowing I was going to write this this evening – and then laughed all the way through writing it 🙂 You need to get one of your male mates to see if they’re in toilets in Lithuania!

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      1. I doubt it very much, but I’m sure going to ask.
        Now I’m thinking it could make a funny to death gift for a certain friend of mine who always (like ALWAYS) gets stupid/funny/crazy gifts on any occasion worth bringing a gift 😀

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      1. Ha, yeah. The most exciting thing I’ve ever seen in the ladies is a pregnancy test – for those times when you just can’t wait to get home before finding out?? (They also have pregnancy tests in vending machines here – as in the ones that sell chocolate and crisps!)

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        1. Ha, who would want to find out like that!? I actually haven’t noticed that here but maybe I just haven’t been looking hard enough! Or have mentally blocked them out 😉

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