Having lived in Germany for a while, it’s rare that I’m still surprised by anything. The German bedding system, the massive signs for “Dildo King”, the early morning beer drinkers, the speed at which supermarket cashiers operate, the poo shelf, the reverse poo shelf…
All of these things I take in my stride. But I do still like to be surprised on occasion, and this is exactly what happened at a service station on the way back from Münster.
Manfredas: I got you a present.
Me: From the toilet?
Manfredas: Well, yes, but I think you’ll like it…
He was right. It turns out that for the bargain price of around €5, you can make me the happiest girl on earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you – the “TravelPussy”.
Once my initial mirth had subsided, I just had to take a look inside. I’m not quite sure what I was expecting but it certainly wasn’t this.
Me: What the hell?
Manfredas: What the hell?
Clearly, I would need to read the instructions which, apart from being enlightening, were also one of the funniest things I have ever read.
- Open up TravelPussy. (Sure, a closed TravelPussy is no use to anyone.)
- Pour a very small amount of TravelPussy-Gel into the “vagina” and spread it. (The quotation marks had me in tears before I even got to the word “spread”.)
3. Turn TravelPussy upside down and fill gently with warm water or simply blow air into it. IMPORTANT! Make sure the water is not too hot, check with your finger! (I really am not making this up.)
4. Place some TravelPussy-Gel on your penis and you are ready for a wonderful experience. (I wonder.)
5. After use, empty TravelPussy and leave it to domestic waste – not in toilet! (Yes, please guys, have some respect for your Pussy – not in toilet.)
The environmentally-aware among you will be pleased to hear that TravelPussy is made from eudermic and eco-friendly material. TravelPussy-Gel does not contain any paraffin which is good news for those who fancy a smoke while playing with their Pussy. But be careful, it also does not contain any contraceptive or spermicide so you run the risk of knocking up your sandwich bag-hot water bottle if you don’t use a condom. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Over the course of my Saturday night out, the topic of TravelPussy came up. (OK, I brought it up.) Proving that it (she?) still had the power to surprise, it emerged that my dear friend, Nigel, had actually bought a TravelPussy. “For the laugh”, you understand.
Me: How would you sum up the experience?
Nigel: Confusing. Disappointing.
Me: Sorry, I’ll stop laughing eventually.
If you want to see confusion and disappointment in picture form, I highly recommend clicking on this link:
At the risk of lowering the tone of this blog any further, I leave you with this profound thought for the evening.
You are welcome.
I’m still trying to pick my jaw up off of the floor, and stop the tears from streaming down my face in laughter. Reminds me of the Fleshlight, but this is so much better. You can change the “E” to an “A” with a Sharpie, to make the Fleshlight a flashlight, but there is just no changing TravelPussy.
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Ha, yeah, when I told my mam I’d be writing this post, she was like ‘maybe don’t be too explicit about it, you know, fluff it a little…’
Me: It’s called TravelPUSSY – I can’t really fluff that 😉
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Fluff a pussy? Challenge accep-no wait…
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Yeah, her choice of wording could have been better… 😉
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I thought most guys didn’t like fluff…
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Mammy O’Grady is not a guy 😉
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I have spent a long time thinking about how to comment on this and I. Just. Cant.
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I bet your German could 😉
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HA! I can´t believe I missed this post! Hysterical………….I almost want one!
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Get thee to thine nearest petrol station mens’ toilet 😉
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“And here I thought it was a little inflatable kitten to keep lonely men company!!” (from one of the comments). That’s what I was HOPING this post would be about! You know I love kitties 😉
But seriously … no, there’s nothing serious about this … never mind 🙂 I still think you’re sweet, at least to me … hahahahaha
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Ha ha, sorry to disappoint! Maybe I’ll write a cat post some day. Can’t see it happening though 😉
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Perfect timing, husband about to leave on a work trip so I introduced him to this blog… 😀
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Ha, you’d better be careful he doesn’t get too attached! I wonder how many women have lost their travelling husbands to TravelPussy… must be some tear-jerking stories out there… 😉
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…well, if he does, it might be time to do some recycling in the husband area anyway… 😉
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Ha ha, very true! You go girl 🙂
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On the other hand 😯 there is a vast variety for travelling women at dildo king or other woman friendly stores.
It rattles in the carton… 😎
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Ha, yeah, we don’t get ads like that in Ireland!
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Oh man, I’m afraid I’ll just have to stop reading your blog at work. Even if my boss does not check our web surfing habits it’s still disconcerting for my co-workers to find me in tears at the keyboard when they come into my office without knocking 😀
The sign “Only the hard …” is a literal translation of “Nur die Harten kommen in’n Garten“, which means something like “No guts, no glory.”
This must be the coolest example of “German sentences with hilarious translations” I ever read …
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Ha, yeah, I asked a German yesterday if it was a translation of something but she’d never heard of it, so I googled it and found what you just said 😉 It is so funny when it’s translated! There were some other very funny ones there too – “you walk me animally on the cookie” was another one that had me in stitches 🙂
Manfredas also had problems reading this at work today – and obviously couldn’t explain to his colleagues why he was laughing!! Thanks for commenting! Best, Linda.
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Ha, the notification about the comment going online went right into the spam filter. I guess it does not approve of mails with “Can’t find a hussy? Try TravelPussy!” in a mail with links in it. I wonder why … 🙂
“You walk me animally on the cookie” is also great. I have to check – there must be an online collection of these things somewhere …
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http://www.ithinkispider.com
To understand the humour, your German must at least very good.
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Ha, yeah, my students have shown me that before 🙂
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Ask and you shall receive – http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/german-proverbs-translated-literally-into-english#.oflzqGPl0
Hopefully you rescue it from your junk mail 🙂
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I see you’ve upped your sass game ;0 <–that's a dirty emoji. squint. this is also a biiiig (ahem) welcome back to europe – so long politically correct america!
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If it’s sass vs class, sass wins every time 😉
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Oh, whew! And here I was worried that it wasn’t eco-friendly. I bet that helps sales. It’s all about the marketing angle. 🙂
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Very true. I’m sure that’s the first thing every trucker scans the packaging for 😉
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At German service stations, a German gentleman can acquire some gadgets to enrich mature amusements and spoil his fellow passengerin.
http://www.hertrich-praeser.de/praeser/verschiedenes.htm
Sanifair vouchers are appreciated!
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Wow, who knew!
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And here I thought it was a little inflatable kitten to keep lonely men company!! But this does seem to be an example of German efficiency. Why bother with an inflatable doll when all you need is the business end?
I think I missed the post about Dildo King…
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Ha ha! The business end! So true!
There was no specific post about Dildo King – not yet anyway. Might have to pay them a visit 😉
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Definitely!
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Have lined up an accomplice already 😉
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And remember, children, no means no!
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NEIN! 🙂
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What, they’ve never heard of hands?
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I think the main market is truck drivers. Maybe they can keep their hands on the wheel while still having a ‘wonderful experience’?? 😉
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That does it, I’m never driving in Germany.
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To me, it shows amazing dedication to the road – bearing in mind they don’t have speed limits on parts of the Autobahn here 😉
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Judging from the review under the link, you need your hands to use it to have (presumably) fun, really.
And I don’t need to try it to say that, if you penetrate this item and then try to drive a car, the item is likely to fall off quickly due to a severe pressure drop in the central support rod of the system. 😉
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Dammit, I never think these things through fully 😉 A drooping rod is the last thing you need!
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Now if you attach some sort of a vibrating or reciprocating motion device to your CelloPhanny (preferably fed via the lighter port) and maybe combine it with a dashboard screen and a subscription to special interest web-sites…
Are you sure your friend bought you the complete device, and not just the consumable part? 😉
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I intend to stake out men’s bathrooms and find out 😉
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And now you’ve put the picture of you sitting in a police car with a long-range microphone listening in to portas in my mind. Thanks! 🙂
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You have a weird imagination 😉
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Alright, well now someone is going to have to explain to me why truck drivers always looks so cranky! No reason to pout, gents.
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I dunno. If all I could get was plastic vagina, I might be a little grumpy too 😉
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Haha. Better than nothing? Having never tried to have sexy time with a plastic vagina, it’s hard to say.
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Almost makes me wish I had a penis 😉
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Just for a day. Maybe longer. (pun intended)
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Heh heh 🙂 Yeah, a day would be perfect! Ask BV if he’s ever used one… 😉
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Relayed this whole post to him, and he was not even aware things like that existed. Soooo, I think (and hope), that’s a definite no. 🙂
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Phew, that must be a relief! I guess now you just have to hope that you haven’t put ideas in his head… 😉
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Don’t worry.
Maybe this surrogate is helpful and enjoyable?!
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Ha ha!
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important question-is there a full sized pussy, since this is maybe the smaller, travel sized version? Is any of this lost in translation or is this as funny as it appears?
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Ha, I’m not sure how full-sized you want! Maybe I’ll go to Dildo King and check out their non-TravelPussy range 😉
I showed it to my German friend last night – the instructions are also in German – and it is just as funny in that language 🙂
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please do and report back haha
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New post idea 😉 Maybe they’ll give me some stuff to try out 😉
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mmm, somehow doubt that but I could be wrong!
ps-i find this as baffling as the poo shelf, which I still don’t fully grasp
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It’s either so Germans can examine their poo (for health reasons) or so you don’t get the splashback when your poo hits the water. Never did get a definitive answer 😉
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those are all things you can do with a regular toilet though, assuming your poos are somewhat normal in size haha? there must be more to it.
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Maybe Germans have bigger poos than the average person? 😉
I have heard of Germans keeping poo diaries but I’m not sure there’s any truth to that…
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There is a interesting explanation by Slavoy Zizek:
In a traditional German toilet, the hole into which shit disappears after we flush is right at the front, so that shit is first laid out for us to sniff and inspect for traces of illness. In the typical French toilet, on the contrary, the hole is at the back, i.e. shit is supposed to disappear as quickly as possible. Finally, the American (Anglo-Saxon) toilet presents a synthesis, a mediation between these opposites: the toilet basin is full of water, so that the shit floats in it, visible, but not to be inspected.
[…]
Hegel was among the first to see in the geographical triad of Germany, France and England an expression of three different existential attitudes: reflective thoroughness (German), revolutionary hastiness (French), utilitarian pragmatism (English). In political terms, this triad can be read as German conservatism, French revolutionary radicalism and English liberalism. In terms of the predominance of one sphere of social life, it is German metaphysics and poetry versus French politics and English economics. The point about toilets is that they enable us not only to discern this triad in the most intimate domain, but also to identify its underlying mechanism in the three different attitudes towards excremental excess: an ambiguous contemplative fascination; a wish to get rid of it as fast as possible; a pragmatic decision to treat it as ordinary and dispose of it in an appropriate way.
http://www.lrb.co.uk/v26/n17/slavoj-zizek/knee-deep
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Wow, who knew toilets could tell us so much!
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Yes, there is the full-sized kind, for shoving your head in. Claims to cure baldness.
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I think there’s going to be a run on Dildo King tomorrow 😉
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I’m speechless 😀 Did you eventually stop laughing, ’cause this is like HUGE laughing material, ad I now wonder how long will it take for me to get it out of my system. And that’s only after reading about the Pussy!
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I’ve been laughing most of the day knowing I was going to write this this evening – and then laughed all the way through writing it 🙂 You need to get one of your male mates to see if they’re in toilets in Lithuania!
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I doubt it very much, but I’m sure going to ask.
Now I’m thinking it could make a funny to death gift for a certain friend of mine who always (like ALWAYS) gets stupid/funny/crazy gifts on any occasion worth bringing a gift 😀
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It’s the gift that keeps on giving – well, until it ends up in the “domestic waste” anyway 🙂
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there are no ugly rubber dolls, just weak lungs. And then there’s THIS 😀
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I’m going to sneak into the men’s loos next time I’m out – see what else is going on in there. Can’t believe I missed out on knowing about this for so many years!!
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new challenge? like the one with pubs in Riga? 😉
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Ha, maybe!!
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Can’t help but share this https://youtu.be/EMs-4fUZd-k If by any chance Germans can beat this with their vending machines stacked with TravelPussies and whatever hides in men’s restrooms, hands down, they just do everything da bestten
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Ha ha, I’m dying! 🙂 Might be a bit pricey for a vending machine but definitely worth the investment!
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well, knowing German efficiency, there could be travel versions of the stuff made of eco-friendly cellophane or something 😉
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And I’m afraid to even ask how you found that video 😉
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let’s leave it to imagination as it would be the better choice than revealing the truth 😉
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I bet you’re one of those people that contributes to my weird search terms 😉
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I certainly don’t. I don’t search for weird stuff, weird stuff happens to find me 🙂
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I know that feeling 🙂
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I guess it’s always good (and very German) to have a plan B…
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That is very true. German organisation gone mad 🙂
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Probably not the best thing for your new date to find in your glove compartment while rummaging for a pack of mints…
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Ha ha! Well, it would certainly be an ice-breaker!!
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Oh. My. God! I am actually speechless!
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Seems like we both need to spend more time in the men’s toilets. Way more fun than the ladies’! 🙂
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Ha, yeah. The most exciting thing I’ve ever seen in the ladies is a pregnancy test – for those times when you just can’t wait to get home before finding out?? (They also have pregnancy tests in vending machines here – as in the ones that sell chocolate and crisps!)
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Ha, who would want to find out like that!? I actually haven’t noticed that here but maybe I just haven’t been looking hard enough! Or have mentally blocked them out 😉
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