Having been told, on more than one occasion, that I have a flair for the dramatic – it wasn’t meant as a compliment – this week, I decided to put this theory to the test and try out “German with Theatre Games”.
The lesson was to take place at 77 Kastanienallee, which is right at the opposite end of the city. I left myself plenty of time (as usual), found 75, walked past 77, which is a cinema, and hit 79. Huh. Guess it must be down that dark alley somewhere. So I trotted through the darkness until I came to a courtyard. Nope, nothing to see here. So I headed through the second dark alley until I came to the second dark courtyard.
I followed the signs to the third floor and pushed at the door. Locked. I had managed to arrive before the teacher even got there. I stood for a couple of minutes admiring what I hoped was my artistically mysterious, all-black clothing, shoving at the door every now and then.
The teacher showed up right on time, but I wasn’t allowed in until I had removed my boots. Crap. This was about the time “artistically mysterious” went awry.
When I walked in, Traudl the Teacher had also removed her socks. Great. A hippy. And I hate feet. Still, I tried to make polite conversation for a few minutes until, finally, Claudio showed up. With two people, we could get started. The theme of the “lesson” was drinks and restaurants, something I felt I could get on board with.
But first, we had to move “freestyle” around the room to music, which, as I’m sure you can imagine, is one of my all-time favourite activities…
I chose to shuffle around glaring accusingly at my non-mysterious pink socks. As the room was roughly the same temperature as the streets (0 Celsius), this activity was probably more for survival purposes than anything else.
Next Traudl put a “Ja” card in one corner, and a “NEIN” card in another. We had to ask each other questions to get to know each other a bit.
Me: Können sie singen? (Can you sing?)
Traudl: No, no, there’s no “sie” in this space, only “du”. (The informal “you” in German.)
Me: OK, but I’m asking two of you so then it would be the plural, “ihr”. “Du” doesn’t make any sense.
Traudl: Please use “du” in this space.
Me: Mutter…
We threw a massive workout ball around for a bit with me trying not to aim for Traudl’s head. Two more girls had shown up in the meantime.
Next up was a “game” where we had to pretend to be something else. Traudl showed off her acting skills by pretending to be a worm and lying on the floor, wriggling. I wondered why she wasn’t in Hollywood. Claudio ran over and pretended to be a bird and another girl became a tree. The bird took the worm and it was game over. Seemingly we were practising our article forms. This continued for some time and, while I’m not sure it helped my articles much, I’m pretty sure I could be a convincing worm now…
Traudl gathered us all into a circle and it was time to shout, “JA, NEIN AND DOCH”, with various hand gestures, at each other. After a while, these three words were replaced with DIE heiße Schokolade, DER frischgepresste Orangensaft, and DAS alkoholfreie Getränk. The shouting and gesturing continued for a further ten minutes or so. Admittedly, I’ll never forget the articles that go with these drinks, but can this really be counted as learning the language in any sort of meaningful way?
After what seemed like an eternity, we were put into groups of three (two more people had shown up 30 and 40 minutes late) and instructed to write a drinks menu. After a while, Traudl bare-footedly bounced over to inspect ours.
Traudl: But wait, what’s this?
Me: Weißbier.
Traudl: Oh no, that’s not a thing. You mean light beer.
Me: No. I don’t.
Traudl: (Scribbling out my word)
Me: No, obviously you have light beer and dark beer but Weißbier is something different.
Traudl: No, no, you mean light beer.
Me: Sure. And “DU” can kiss my white Irish Arsch.
It wasn’t like I needed much convincing at this point, but seriously, what can I possibly learn from a GERMAN who knows nothing about BEER? She’d also never heard of Hoegaarden.
Finally, we had to act out a couple of “ordering in a restaurant” scenes, which luckily, we all knew how to do anyway as we’d had zero input in this respect in the preceding 75 minutes.
Seemingly it had taken Traudel – professional actress and German teacher – three years to “perfect” this teaching technique. I’m pretty sure I could have beaten her by 2 years, 364 days and 23.5 hours. She even made two spelling mistakes AND an article mistake in the “useful language” .pdf she posted the next day.
Clearly, I would not recommend “German with Theatre Games”, unless maybe you have a foot fetish. However, Hollywood, you there? If you’re ever looking for a convincing worm, I’ve got just the woman…
LOL – I followed over here because you replied to a comment I left on another site. And boy am I glad I looked here. Not only am I intrigued by an Irish (?) expat’s view on my native country, but hey – I am more or less living the reverse (German expat living in Ireland – I even used to write a blog about the experience, now sadly un-updated for many many months). And this piece was just hilarious – although I am utterly shaken that a German with the most teutonic of names does not know Weißbier… shocking.
Definitely subscribing here. Hope you continue to enjoy Börlinn.
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Ha, that’s so cool! I’ll be sure to check out your blog! I used to have one on Latvia when I lived there too – before they ran me out of the place 😉 MUCH happier in Berlin!
Her name wasn’t really Traudl but still – HOW can any German not know about Weißbier!? I knew about it long before I moved here! Maybe she’s just acting German too – badly 😉 Hope the croci are starting to bloom in Ireland too – it’s a beautiful day here!
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Oh, just saw you followed back – just FYI, that is not my expat blog (but a rather specialised slash fanatic blog for fangirling purposes only *blushes*). So unless you think Richard Armitage is hot, it’ll bore you to death. (I won’t be offended if you unfollow after this amazing retention effort…)
Ha, can imagine you enjoy Berlin! Just back from a short visit to the city myself.
And the croci *are* long in bloom, but this morning Dublin was covered in snow. (Ok, only for a quarter of a centimetre for about 20 minutes, but well…)
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I do think Richard is quite hot but I just discovered that his middle name is Crispin, which is a bit of a turn off 😉 Did the whole city come to a standstill? Dublin is great for that – quarter of a centimetre and a state of emergency is declared. “Take care of your old people and children – don’t leave the house unless it’s an emergency!” 🙂
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Luckily, Dublin still stands. (Nice opportunity for you to butt in with a Stillstand pun???)
Re. Crispin – ha, would not have occurred to me that that is a turn-off. Sounds classy to me. But there you have it, that’s cultural or language interference.
Oh, and have just checked my old blog – not updated since 2013 *eeek*. And not nearly reaching the level of humour that your expat eye blog exhibits. But then again, I am German… Here: http://westrandbemerkungen.blogspot.ie/
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Cool! Good practice for my German too! I’ll start trundling through some posts 🙂 Crispin sounds a bit poncey – like Cecil or Nigel. My English friend is still mad at me for calling him ‘Nigel’ in the blog haha!
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Can you send me a link to the expat blog?
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You’re a brave soul dressed all in black, searching for an address down dark alleys. I guess if someone attacked you, you could just pull off your boots and blind them with the glare from your socks 🙂 Actually, I love your socks 🙂 And, actually, I’m surprised you didn’t kick Traudl’s ass across the room …. especially when she tried to correct you on the beer …
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The temptation was very strong, believe me! NOBODY corrects me when it comes to alcohol! But her green-tea-sipping ass possibly could have kicked my beer-swilling one 😉 And at least I got a chance to be scathing about something in Germany for once – too much stuff is good here haha!
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A green Hanseatic (and I won’t blame green tea) isn’t capable of giving satisfaction in all matters relating to beer or wine.
Or as the Germans say: “Was kümmert es die Eiche wenn sich die Säue an ihr scheuern?!”.
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Oh, there was something almost nostalgic in your post … The tone reminded me of your Latvian “adventures” ;). Maybe you couldn’t have kicked her butt, you could (and did) skewer her in English quite well 😉
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Ha, and I do enjoy doing that 🙂
Ah, the Latvian blog – I do get nostalgic for it sometimes! I’m (slowly) working on putting a book together though – they’re going to love it… 😉
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A book! I’ll be one of your first customers 🙂
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Woop woop! Now I just need to find the time to work on it. Pesky real work – and paperwork – is taking over my life 😉
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Dang real work! It gets in my way too 😉
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I guess it pays the bills… Boring bills 😉
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Oh, yes, the bills ;(
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And the taxes – currently trying to get my 2015 paperwork ready. It’s a lot of fun… 😉
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I bet your taxes are a blast to do ;). We’re easy so far but when I think about self-publishing, the thought of those taxes makes me want to pull my multi-colored hair out!
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Ha! I don’t think anyone could survive in Germany without a tax consultant. I’ll be keeping mine busy for sure – when you’re freelance, it’s complicated! Money coming from different sources. And the online system is impenetrable 🙂 At least to me haha! I have zero interest in figuring it out!
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I remember your earlier posts about trying to get some things done online. Those forms! Not for the faint of heart 😉
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I’m generally not faint-hearted but that had me beat 😉
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Don’t forget for 2016: The bills for these events are deductible costs (“Aufwendungen für Fortbildung”)
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I didn’t get a receipt. I just got the hell out of there.
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You are a freelancer! Freelancer pay +++nothing+++ without a receipt or an invoice. At least this payments could be potentially deductible costs. Demand a receipt with emphasis!
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It was €5…
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A “German acting” event for €5? And the course was led by a “professional actress and German teacher”?
For €5 you can’t complain neither 0 Celsius nor Weissbier. 😆
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Only for the first lesson. €15 normally.
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15€ sounds “better”. Because the Finanzamt dislikes courses if they are too cheap.
On the other hand: A one way ticket to Prague cost only €19 …
Maybe these are “Fahrtkosten” because you have a vocationally arranged meeting? 😎
And maybe you should book courses like “How to mould my tax declaration” instead of dubious sessions in frightening dark streets?
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It’s hilarious that you did that – though it also sounds absurd bc Germans and Humor? Odd combo 😉 (Hi Simone!)
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Well I don’t think she was trying to be funny…
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That picture of you with the beer is one of my favorites ever!!! Also, how can she be German and not know beer….
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Starting to doubt she is German. She sure doesn’t spell like it 😉
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Ha! No beer, poor spelling…she must be an impostor!
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Good worm skills though… 😉
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A German that doesn’t know Weißbier, how can this be true? Is everything I know of Germany untrue? But most importantly, how did you keep a straight face?
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I was too mad to smile 😉 She just wouldn’t listen to me! For the rest of it, I was just secretly thinking of the blog post 😉
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You may have been right about the uhm,… other conversation subject matter from the last post. A German that doesn’t acknowledge the existence of Weißbier? Unglaublich!
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I was shocked!
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She’s not a real actor. They know their beer.
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I knew she was a fraud from the get-go 😉 I stalked her online CV a little – for a ‘professional actress with more than 15 years experience’, she doesn’t have much to show for it 😉
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Haha! And she is giving lessons!
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She actually does this at companies… Companies pay real money. Amazing.
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Traudel is a South- German name. If this is here real name, she MUST know what kind of beer it is. Even if only the Bavarians say “Weissbier”; the other South- Germans say “Weizen”. Maybe she is an evil alcohol- hating bigot?
Doubtless there are other opportunities acting German. Probably there is a community theatre in your Kiez. Or just read a drama like “Faust” from J.W. Goethe or “Wilhelm Tel” from F. Schiller.
You German profoundness runs off like a rocket! 😉
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Her name wasn’t really Traudl 😉 And she’s actually from Hamburg. But still no excuse. I knew of Weißbier before ever moving here! She struck me as more of a green-tea sipping type…
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A Hamburger Deern … 🙄
So “Dörte” or “Frauke” is a better alias.
Yes, many Nordlicher like this actress don’t know of Weissbier. Light beer will be her impetuous stimulant if she celebrates a transcendental bacchanalia.
Here is our next German acting assignment:
http://gutenberg.spiegel.de/buch/faust-eine-tragodie-3664/6
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you HAVE to keep going!!
purely for my entertainment you understand 😀 😀
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I’m not sure she’d make it through another 90 minutes in one piece 😉 You could come over and practise weight-lifting with her. Or shot putt. 😉
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That would be a good arm work out… could I come and be cynical at her first then start throwing…
😀
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I would pay double or even triple to witness that 🙂
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😀
I have to find a new use for my cynical face now I quite like yoga… so it sounds like a good plan to me 😀
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The cynicism would never end with this worman 🙂
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It also sounds like it would be wasted on her…
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Still fun trying though 😉 And there’s always the throwing part to look forward to 😉
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oh that is definitely true! sometimes cynicaling and sarcasming at people who don’t realise it is the best sort!
plus…yeay throwing!!
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Yaaaaaaay! 🙂
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😀
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But I REALLY would like to know what the next lesson would be like! Maybe you’ll learn how to be a crocodile? You could bring her a Weißbeer just to show your excitement 😂
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Funnily enough, the next lesson is actually on animals – Claudio’s suggestion. I guess this time tomorrow, they’ll all be running around or wriggling on the floor 😉 I will not be there to see it!
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Lol! Here I was giggling about the crocodile because it was so lame…
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I don’t think ‘too lame’ applies to this ‘technique’ 😉
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This woman single handedly has given theatre a bad rap! Flaky, flunky and foolish… sheesh! Suspect the film world will pass on her worminess! 😉
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I suspect you may be right there! Your hubby can give her evils from afar for discrediting his industry!
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Hehehe! He wouldn’t waste his considerable talent on such a mundane creature. 😉
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Ha, lovely description 🙂
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Looks like you didn’t need to be early to catch the worm this time
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That’s one worm I’d throw back 😉
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Everyone always forgets to mention that the second mouse gets the cheese. 😀
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Clever mouse 😉 I think I felt more like the first mouse in this situation!
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Thank you for throwing your knickers in the air for me, I’d reciprocate but I’ve not worn any in China. Worried they’re too conservative for that kinda thing out here, help!
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Ha, there’s not much I can do from here! Come to Germany! 🙂
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I can channel my femininity through underwear more freely there? Deal!
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You can do anything you like haha!
And we have Primark so you can afford to experiment a little 😉
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Oh please, I like mine to come from M&S don’t you know!
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You’d better stock up before you leave then as there is no M&S in Germany! I do miss their food from time to time. (Wistful sigh…) 😉
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We found one in Shanghai would you believe! But I doubt there’ll be one in Chengdu, it’s going to be a long 4 months…
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Ah, you’ll probably survive 😉
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You underestimate my dependence on frill and pink!
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I think I might! 🙂
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Looking at possibly applying to do a masters in Berlin, do you think it’s a city that a student could afford to live in? Help!
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Definitely! One of the cheapest in Europe! Do it! 🙂
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I’m worried my lack of German will hinder my application. It’s a course in British studies, off to Germany to learn about home… why not!
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Makes sense to me ha ha! And it’s a hell of a lot cheaper here!
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I just hope my girlfriend will be able to find a job to pay the bills. she’s gotta be the breadwinner ;). Getting ahead of myself here, I’ve known about this degree for a day. Oops!
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Does she speak any German? It’s possible to find jobs without it, but there are a lot more opportunities if you can speak it! But again, getting ahead of ourselves 😉
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I speak no German and she speaks less than I do! Is teaching English a possibility? I suppose those pesky Germans are too good at English already… grr!
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Ha, well, that’s what I do! You’d be surprised – not every German speaks amazing English! Some barely have a word! It’s definitely an option – though she’d need a certificate. Ze Germans like ze paperwork… 😉
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Is a TEFL certificate good enough? She’ll have some experience too as we are about to start whenever our college here gets its act together.
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That should be fine!
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Can you be my Berlin guru? Someone from the university just told me it’s 800 euros a month to live there, do you think it’s possible to live cheaper than this? For the first time I might actually know what it’s like being a broke student :(. Also, any good websites to look for apartments? Thanks in advance!
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It might be possible to live for a little cheaper but not by much! Berlin isn’t that expensive but rent, transport, food, a little socialising – it all adds up! You could check out this website – http://www.settle-in-berlin.com/find-a-flat-in-berlin-apartement/ – I found it pretty helpful when I first got here. And join ALL the Facebook pages – there’s a wealth of information on there!
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Would renting as a couple not save on rent? Oh man 800 euros as a student sounds a lot! The fact neither of us have Facebook probably won’t help either… SHIT
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Get on FB haha! There are some really useful groups on there. Advice, rentals, etc. You could probably find somewhere for around €500 a month, depending on where you want to live. It’s hard to get flatshares as a couple so you’ll probably have to look for a flat for just the two of you. Buy a bike and save yourself €81 a month on transport 😉
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Ugh, rejoining FB… really?! 500 between us, right? That seems okay if so, perhaps. I would definitely plan to cycle, you feel safe cycling around Berlin?
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Definitely! It’s really bike friendly. Loads of cycle lanes and mostly flat! Just back from a nice bike ride actually 🙂 Yeah, 500 for the flat. To be honest, it would be hard to find a cheaper capital city in Western Europe! And Berlin is awesome 🙂
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You’re selling it! We’d get back from China in August and be moving to Berlin in October if I apply this year, so soon!!’
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Cool! If you have any more questions or need any other information, you can also drop me an email – linda_ogrady@hotmail.com. Would be fun to meet up if you move here 🙂
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Thank you so much! 🙂 I’m sure there will be more questions, of course of course I have to make use of having a friend in the know.
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I still feel like a total newb at times! There’s so much to learn… so much paperwork… 😉
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Okay now you’re not selling it so much! Do you work horrible hours as an English teacher?
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Not too bad at the moment. In the beginning I was up at 5am every day. That was not so pleasant! Starting a new venture this week though… 🙂 I’d start learning a bit of German now if I were you! Give yourself a headstart 🙂
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Yeah the uni have said they expect a working knowledge of German. I’ve told them my best mate speaks it fluently and would be willing to do classes. I’m trying to learn some Chinese currently, my monolingual brain is gonna meltdown
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Ha, German will probably be a piece of cake after that!!
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A German teacher who doesn’t know what Weißbier is? I’d fire her strictly based on principle.
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That was the moment my last shred of credulity left the room 😉
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Seriously. BV said you should’ve referenced a German Weizen, like Paulaner. Buuuuut if she was some kind of artsy-fartsy, non-beer drinking Berliner, that prob wouldn’t have helped. 😉
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She’s probably more into the Club Mate 🙂
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Bier > that stuff. Two sips and I’m good.
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I’ve actually never tasted it but I’m not an energy drink fan. No desire to try it. My friend used to mix it with vodka but that seems like a cruel thing to do to vodka 😉
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Agreed. I had two sips of a friend’s once, as I’d never tried it, and that was enough. Energy drinks usually make me nauseous just from the smell, so no sense mixing it with perfectly good liquor.
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Agreed! The smell of Red Bull makes me want to vom…
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Yep. Keep it simple and just beer and wine for me. That’s all I need these days.
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I don’t even need beer any more!
I do still like the odd whiskey though 😉
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A had a bad feeling about the whole paragraph about ‘birds’ and their ‘wiggling worms’, but after you said ‘The bird took the worm and it was game over.’ I knew that something unspeakable had happened there. Unspeakable even for Germany. 🙂
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Oh, and we were all naked… 😉
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I assumed it was a given in Germany. At least if a room at the end of a dark alley and hippies are involved. 🙂
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Unfortunately it was a bit cold for that – my bits would have dropped off 😉
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Strange woman your teacher.
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She won’t be my teacher again 😉
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I am impressed with your determination to learn the language! 🙂
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Thanks! There are a lot of activities going on in Berlin but it can be hit and miss – this one was a definite miss 😉
But worth it for the blog post – I missed complaining 😉
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This worman must have crawled out from under a rock. (Well, it certainly wasn’t a beer stein…)
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Worman – it was worth enduring just for that comment!! 🙂
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