Ever since I became friends with Dietmar, he’s been keen on the idea of me working for his Association, Berliner Unterwelten (Berlin Underworlds). There was just one small problem: the working language of the Association is German and being able to say my name and order white or red wine didn’t quite qualify as “working German”.
Fast forward a year or so and DD and I were conducting most of our conversations in German rather than English. I’m not sure which of us was more surprised, but the upshot was that DD declared me ready to start. Gulp.
However, DD declaring it and it actually happening were two very different things. Obviously I had to go through the same process as every other new employee and, this being Germany, it’s a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong process.
Meetings were had, documents were exchanged. Words like “Sozialversicherungsbeiträge”, “Vereinsbarungbestandteile” and “Lohnsteuerbescheinigung” were tossed around. I nodded sagely (and Googled wildly when I got home). After a few short months, I was ready to begin training.
For anyone who doesn’t know about Berliner Unterwelten, they offer a series of tours exploring Berlin’s underground architecture, including air raid shelters, caverns, disused railway tunnels and other places the public normally has no access to. I would begin my training on “Tour 1 – Dark Worlds”, which takes visitors through a maze of a WW2 bunker at Gesundbrunnen Station.
Every tour has a guide and an assistant and I would be starting as an assistant. Basically, the assistant is responsible for getting everyone in and out, making sure there are no tour pile-ups in the bunker, keeping people together and making sure nobody is doomed to wander the labyrinth forever, enforcing bunker rules, and responding quickly if there is some sort of emergency.
In order to be able to do this, I had to do three tour “walk-throughs” with various trainers, a technical and a bureaucratic training session, and a final test. In German.
Trainer: How do you think you did?
Me: I think I was awesome.
Anyway, I passed.
Yesterday was my first day. I quickly realised that my Underworld small talk could use a little polishing.
Me: Do you want to be a “Führer” some day?
Assistant: We prefer to use the word “Guide”. For obvious reasons.
Me: Right you are.
My first group was a German one. I opened the door successfully (yay me) and counted people in as I checked their tickets. While everyone was busy listening to the guide, one woman came over and sat on the steps. Uh oh.
We moved on to the second room. She immediately came over and sat on the steps in there, too.
Woman: Can you please let me out? I don’t feel well…
I’ve been on countless Unterwelten tours and not one person has ever had to leave. Just my luck.
Thankfully, we weren’t far from the front door so I led her out and asked her if she was OK. She responded by vomiting all over the ground. I took that as a “NEIN”.
Despite being trained in getting people out as quickly as possible in situations just like this, I realised that I had no idea what to do with them once they actually were out. My bedside German (or English, for that matter) is pretty much non-existent so I made a few sympathetic noises and handed her a plastic bag, just in case there was a round two. I told her there was a restaurant nearby and she could go there and clean herself up a bit. She asked me to get her friend.
So, on my very first tour, I had to interrupt the guide, speak loud German in front of a roomful of Germans and escort the friend out of the bunker as well. Baptism of fire. And puke.
I called the office to tell them what had happened and they suggested I dilute the vomit by pouring some water on it. I did and improvised by placing a couple of tissues over it, too. It looked ten times worse but there wasn’t much else I could do. I went back in, did the rest of the tour and everyone emerged alive at the end of it. In short, a roaring success.
The two tours I’ve done since were, mercifully, less eventful.
Guide: It is forbidden to take photos anywhere in the bunker.
Japanese tourist 1: Can I take a photo?
Me: NEIN.
Japanese tourist 2, 3, 4, 5…: Can I take a photo of this?
ME: NEIN!
***
Guide: Please do not touch the paint in the next room. It’s a special type of fluorescent paint and mildly toxic.
Spanish tourist: Can I touch the paint?
Me: (Why on earth would you want to touch toxic paint??) No, lo siento.
Anyway, I live to assist another day. I’m not sure I’ll ever rock the “safety orange” vest I have to wear, but they’re not paying me to be a bunker fashionista. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to spray some more perfume up my nose.
Very impressive – clever you! Not just the passing the test and leading your first tour, but dealing with vomit. Are you sure the ill tourist wasn’t just someone from the office testing your reactions in extreme situations? 😉
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I can’t believe I hadn’t considered that! If she wasn’t, I might suggest it for the next bunch of trainees 😉
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Sounds like an average day as a parent – plenty of puke and being asked endless stupid questions (although, to be fair, I don’t normally have to speak German or wear a hi-vis jacket so you win on that score…)
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If you answered in German, they might ask fewer questions 😉
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there is a type in your dict search…
try with: (-s)
vereinbarungbestandteile
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Still no results in Leo!
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So funny! Well done on jumping through all those hoops you brave girl! You’ll do a great job! xx
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Had another one today and nobody died so… 🙂
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By the way, what’s happening with Uprooted and Undiluted? Your fans are waiting.
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I fear they might be waiting for some time…
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Okay ….
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The (sad) usual story of people being all gung-ho about it until they realise that it is actually hard work. I got pissed off hassling people.I will probably resurrect it myself at some point. Just need to figure some stuff out 😉
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It’s such a great concept. I hope it comes to fruition.
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Me too! I was really excited about it. 😦
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Hail! Hail! (Rock ‘n’ Roll), my Führerin!
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I prefer “Guidechen” 😉
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This Diminutiv sounds nice. Maybe too nice?!
“Fräulein Führerin” gives you the authority to discipline the crowd!
P.S.: Maybe you should dye your hair blonde … 😉
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I think I’m more commanding as a brunette…
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Cool, you are up for a lot of new vocabulary! Congratulations on the new job (and having the patience to get there. Months? Where the German efficiency when you need it?)
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I’m going to write a post on mythical German efficiency some day… 😉
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I am in awe. To be able to help a vomiting person in a second language would really be a mark of comprehension and understanding. Seriously. Well done.
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Ha ha! Well, I thought I did pretty terribly but she seemed happier. Well, as happy as a woman who has just vomited her way out of a tour could be anyway 😉
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I love the photo of you in the hat – I feel like you’re channeling your inner Anna!
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Would probably have had to wear fur as well to do that properly…
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And of course I have gloooorious fur! PS – flying to Paris tomorrow! (no hat tho)
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Hopefully nobody throws red paint on you…
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Many blessings upon you for having to deal with so many tourists, and the never ending stupid questions they come with!
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Maybe next time, someone will ask me if the bunker is underground… 😉
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Would it be bad if I say it’ll probably be an American? Because I really feel like my people would totally say something like that.
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Ha ha! Would it be bad if I agreed with you? 🙂
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I say no. We aren’t always the smartest bunch. 😉
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Just had to read the comments on this one, ..giggles!
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Ha ha! They’re usually worth a chuckle alright – I think several people prefer the comments to the posts. Harumph 😉
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Congrats on your German language job! It took me 15 years to achieve the equivalent in your home country!
And I’ll see you at the Unterwelten in August. Staying with a friend who lives just around the corner from it, and I have been meaning to go on a tour for ages.
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Ooh, how exciting! Be sure and let me know when you’re thinking of doing it! We can go for a drink afterwards – not before, in case you puke 😉
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LOL – very good point. (There is an Irish pub just across the road, as you may have already discovered…) But no pressure, anyway. 😉
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Oh no, pressure to go to a bar – however will I cope 😉
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Just checking in here to warn you that I am heading to Berlin tomorrow. Planning to do Tour 1 some time this week. Maybe I’ll bump into you?
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I’m not going to be up that direction much this week unfortunately! But if you fancy meeting up for a drink (if it’s not weird!), drop me a line – linda_ogrady@hotmail.com 🙂 Hope you have a great time either way!
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Yikes! Very cool Linda – that you have a regular German job. Aren’t you afraid of being an immigrant stealing locals’ jobs? Ha! Gotta love the reflective vests – I used to have to wear one at work. I think they look sexy on women.
Japanese taking pictures – OMG, they do that everywhere in the world. I had a driver who delivered to a retail store that was old and difficult. It was in a 100 year old building in downtown Ottawa and the truck had to be parked on the sidewalk and unload one skid at a time with a tailgate and then hand-bomb each case onto a conveyor to the second floor. Get another skid and continue. He came to me one day and said he was having nightmares about the delivery. Apparently the city had dug a giant hole in the sidewalk where he unloaded and he was afraid of falling into the hole with a skid. He said he woke up in the middle of the night after a nightmare where he fell in the hole with a skid of product and when he came to the hole was ringed with Japanese tourists all with cameras and all taking hundreds of pictures of him laying at the bottom of the hole. Bwahaha!
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As an aside Linda I did a guest post over at Mark Bialczak’s today. I would be honored of you had the time to drop by for a read: https://markbialczak.com/2016/05/15/i-cant-walk-with-him/comment-page-1/#comment-79640 Thank You.
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Ha ha! Poor guy! Funniest thing is, he’s not that far from the truth 😉 I was in a car accident in NZ. The car went off the road, plunged around 100 feet and flipped over. I crawled out into the snow to find a coachload of Japanese tourists up on the road snapping away 😉 Gave them a wave and made sure everyone else was OK haha! And trust me, I look anything but sexy in this vest – it’s also around 10 sizes too big for me 🙂
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It’s all upwards from here! And I’d love to see that orange vest – I bet you are ravishing in it 🙂
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That would be a losing bet 😉 Eye-catching would be a more appropriate word 😉
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I demand pictures 🙂
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I did take one awful selfie but I actually look luminous…
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You ALWAYS look luminous 🙂
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Crawler 😉
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But dealing with ghastly tourists… Yuk 🙄
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Ha ha! They’re not ghastly for the most part 😉 Though I’ve only met around 90 of them so far… 😉
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Oh, lucky you to get a puker on your first official tour 😦 Hey, it can only get better, yes? And by the way, I think you should write for the New York Times, seriously: http://nyti.ms/27gt3C8
An Irish perspective on living in a German city published in an American newspaper: Perfecto!
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Ha, I don’t think I could compete with that guy! Loved that piece! Made me feel even prouder to be living here 🙂
And yes, one puker down, hopefully no more to follow haha!
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Ah, don’t think about competing. That issue of the paper had a number of short essays by writers living in other countries. He just happened to have the longest one (although, yes, it was quite good). I just always think of you when I read essays by ex-pats living elsewhere 🙂
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Ha, yeah, my uncle wanted me to write a comparison between living in LV and Germany for an English magazine… like there could ever be a comparison haha! I wouldn’t know where to begin! It is a nice idea, I just don’t think I fit in with the ‘tone’ of any of these publications!
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Good point … you do have your own “tone” 😉
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Maybe I should start my own magazine 😉
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Yes, but you have your blog. A magazine would require advertising and sharing space with others. Meh.
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Meh, indeed. I’m too much of a renegade for that 😉
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So true!
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Oh dear! I have to say it sounds quite ghastly – I hope they pay you well! 😉
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Ha, no, it’s actually good fun! The puking is a rarity – at least from what I’ve seen! And I love the association and what they do so it’s great to be involved. Just hope I don’t get too many more pukers 😉
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There’ll be someone with the squitters next…
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Oh Jesus, trust you to lower the tone even further haha! Not sure a few dribbles of water and a tissue would cut the mustard on that one 😉
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They should equip you with a high-pressure hose. That’d take care of everything… including Japanese snap-happy tourists and killer paint.
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Ha ha ha! The bunker that has withstood so much, wiped out by a hose-happy Irish woman 😉
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