You can’t touch this

A man walks into my local bar, shakes my hand, shakes Manfredas’ hand, then trots off in search of a drink.

Manfredas: Ugh.

Me: What?

Manfredas: Unsolicited Personal Contact.

Me: What??

Manfredas: I don’t even know the guy’s name and he’s shaking my hand? 

Me: Well, he is a regular…

Manfredas: NEIN! I don’t want someone whose name I don’t even know shaking my hand. 

Me: Maybe you should buy some antiseptic spray.

Manfredas: Maybe I should buy some pepper spray. 

Me: Hmm, I think that might be a little much under the circumstances…

Manfredas: Grunt.

Me: (nodding over at the bar where a man has just walked in and kissed a woman there on both cheeks) How do you feel about kissing?

Manfredas: NEIN! It’s just not German! 

Me: Ha ha ha! You’re so German sometimes! 

Manfredas: (reaching across the table to take my hand) Anyway…

Me: Ugh.

Manfredas: What?

Me: Unsolicited Personal Contact. 

Manfredas: Sigh.

Me: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!



34 thoughts on “You can’t touch this”

  1. I had a bunch of European friends at the Yale grad school (we called them the EU) and when I met them, they all kissed me on both cheeks (and shook my friend Justin’s hand) and it was super weird at first. I got used to it though, and it started to be weird when they didn’t.

    But not Americans….that was always weird. THAT was unsolicited personal contact.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hehehe

    he would hate my life…where almost total stranger have started giving me hugs!!

    well one… she went to the same thai boxing class as me then i saw her in the gym and she hugged me…i was a little taken aback to be honest…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Maybe this was the local catholic or protestant pastor? 😛
    The men of God find the lost sheep even in the bars and they like to shake the hands of these sinners most warmly and unsolicited.
    P.S.: “Unsolicited” handshaking is in more “heartier” part of Germany quite common. But of course not in Prussia …

    Liked by 1 person

      1. True! The issue is, I guess that the handshake is part of the introduction protocol. If no names are exchanged, the protocol has not been executed correctly, and this causes a short circuit in the German brain. A bit like if you visit someone’s home, they ask you if you’d like a cuppa and what arrives is a bottle of some apple-flavour infused green tea soft drink. It just ain’t right!

        Liked by 6 people

        1. Ha ha! That sure ain’t right! Tea is tea – black tea, preferably with milk and sugar 😉
          Funny you should say that about the introductions – on crowded nights where we have to join someone else’s table, we sit and chat all night and everything is perfectly jovial – and then I realise at the end, that we never even exchanged names! We didn’t touch each other either though so…


          1. Yeah… that happens on informal occasions and it’s totally fine – but the handshake is part of a formal intro, and so it’s just weird when it’s done totally out of context. It’s not the ‘touching part’ per se. It’s like waving to an unknown person in the street, pretending to open a door for someone and then pulling it shut in their face, asking the person at the table next to you if you can have their newspaper when they are clearly still reading it. It’s weird. It’s not what you’d expect. It’s against accepted social convention and leaves you scratching your head.

            Liked by 2 people

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