German Men Sit Down to Pee

Relax. This isn’t going to be another post about my long-standing obsession with the German Sitzpinkel. “German Men Sit Down to Pee” is the title of a book I recently had the pleasure of reading. Co-author, James Cave, was kind enough to send me a copy to review and, although it took me a while to get around to it (sorry again, James!), once I did, I read it in a single sitting.

Even though I consider myself practically German these days, this book had me raising my eyebrows and chuckling away at all sorts of little quirks and oddities that I had previously been totally unaware of. Without giving away too much of the contents of “German Men Sit Down to Pee”, I thought I’d share some of these with you here.

  1. A pillow is considered a “passive weapon” in Germany.

Yep, that’s right boys, you can put all of those fantasies of hot German women pillow-fighting in their underwear out of your head. Not going to happen – no woman in her right mind is going to risk an assault charge just so you can get your rocks off.

Passive weapon alert!!
Passive weapon alert!!

But don’t worry too much – Germany will take care of you in other ways thanks to its lax laws when it comes to porn production. Germany has carved out a “nice” little niche for itself when it comes to gangbangs, urinal and fecal porn, otherwise known as Scheiße Porn. And if that doesn’t float your boat/penis, you’ll be pleased to hear that prostitution is also legal in Germany.

In fact, in Bonn, the ladies of the night buy tickets just like you would a parking ticket. This allows them to “park” themselves for the night and carry out the ins and outs of their business. Several cities have also introduced drive-thru sex areas.

“Yes, good evening, can I get a Big Rack to go, please?”

2. Do not “du” a police officer

As some of you probably already know, there are two forms of address in German – the formal “Sie” and the informal “du”. While in Berlin, you can get away with “du-ing” most people, it is actually illegal to “du” a police officer and you could end up with a fine of up to €600… Here’s how I imagine that working out:

Me: Officer! Officer! Kannst du mir helfen? That man has just run off with my bag! 

SIEgfried: Did you just “du” me?

Me: What? Oh, I guess but…but… the man! He’s getting away! 

SIEgfried: That’s not the pressing issue here, young lady. You just “du’d” a police officer and, in Germany, that has consequences.

Me: But…but…

SIEgfried: Can I see some identification, please?

Me: I would love to show you but IT’S IN MY DAMN BAG! 

The thief then thumbs his nose at me and strolls off into the sunset.

3. A fine for your finger

Although the German Autobahn is pretty relaxed when it comes to things like, you know, having a speed limit, there are other things that are strictly VERBOTEN. Road rage is one of them. Giving someone the finger in a fit of pique could result in a rather steep fine.

No badasses here, please. We're German.
No badasses here, please. We’re German.

Running out of petrol on the Autobahn is also illegal. It’s not regarded as “one of those things” as it’s something that you could have planned for and, therefore, avoided. And we all know how much the Germans like planning…

4. Love your hole

Germans are world-renowned for their lovable beach habits. Getting up at the crack of dawn to put their towels on the sun loungers – check. Letting it all hang out – check. Socks and sandals – check.

One German beach quirk that I wasn’t aware of, however, is the German love of digging holes in the sand. In 2010, a German tourist in Tenerife had to be rescued by firemen after the tunnel system he’d built to connect his holes collapsed around him, leaving him trapped up to his neck in sand. And while you might think this was just a one-off, there is evidence to suggest that it really is a “thing”.

At the German seaside resort of St. Peter-Ording, digger trucks appear early each morning to fill in the holes that have been dug on the beach the day before. Germans, eh? Who knew?

5. Have yourself a scary Little Christmas

The 6th of December is known in Ireland as Little Christmas; in Germany, it’s called Nikolaus. And what better way to celebrate the start of the season than scaring the bejesus out of your children?

On the 6th, unsuspecting German kids leave their shoes outside the door for Nikolaus to fill up with sweets and goodies – but only if they’ve been good. If they’ve been bad (NEIN!), his sidekick, Farmhand Rupert, will beat them with a stick and a bag of ashes – at least in the olden days. These days, they’ll just wake up to find their shoes filled with lumps of coal. It’s a real shame when these old traditions die out…

Heh heh
Heh heh

In parts of Austria and Bavaria, it gets even better worse. You can actually pay someone to come and scare your kids straight. Krampus will show up, terrify them a bit and hope they see the error of their ways. If they try to talk back, they’re picked up, held upside down and dunked in the snow.

Brilliant. Terrible…

Anyway, that’s just a small selection of the treats that “German Men Sit Down to Pee” has in store for you. If you’re planning on visiting or moving to Germany, I can’t recommend it highly enough. It will have you chortling into your passive weapon way past your bed time.

Order your copy here or check out the website. You’ll be happy you did.

Thank you again to James for giving me the chance to write a review!

 

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66 thoughts on “German Men Sit Down to Pee”

                1. Well due to not having the courage to shop for my own girly things but still having the urge to wear them I usually just cadge whatever I can find. But if I had a choice in the matter, Always! The purple packaging, right? Of course wings, only a fool wouldn’t.

                  Liked by 1 person

  1. Yes, in Bavaria the Krampus is quite a thing, which I never realized, having been raised by parents from Northern Germany. I had a talk with one of the secretaries at our office recently, who grew up in a rural area of Bavaria. She told me that when St. Nicholas visited their home with Krampus in tow, the Krampus actor actually had a large sack on his back, with a convincing-looking foot of a naughty child still sticking out. She has been terrified for years after that Krampus would come and get her … almost couldn’t believe it when I heard that. The methods of child-rearing seem to have changed quite a bit recently … 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yep! I knew all of these things except for the pillow thing, and the hole. I mean, what is that? Oh yeah, you forgot to mention the nudity thing or FKK! My first German boyfriend once offered that we all go to the sauna “to relax,” which was OK, until he mentioned that it was nude. And. We woud be going with out friends! Er. Nope!

    No to the nudity and Absolutely Not. With friends! I mean, I wouldn’t know where to look afterwards!!!!

    He couldn’t understand why I was so distressed! We did eventually go to a Nudist Beach near Dresden, but I kept my bikini on. It was bright yellow. And everybody stared!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Note to self – no pillow fights while I’m there, and I’ll just speak English 🙂 Though I LOVE the Santa idea. I think we should have something like that here in the states. I wonder if I could pay someone to scare my brother straight….

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We’ll have to follow them to Mallorca and find out for sure! LOTC also reckons it’s a weird northern thing but then she has to say that 😉 Guess that means no more pillow fighting for you and Jan – at least not on German soil anyway!

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  4. You know in the US we have these fast-food restaurants called In-n-Out … well, In-n-Out Burger, but still, maybe they are not, maybe they’re just a front …
    Anyway, love your review of Mr. Cave’s book. Now it’s on its way to being a bestseller … seriously, it sounds like a must-read if one is moving to or even just visiting Germany, and it would make a great holiday gift for everyone 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Totally agree! May as well prepare people for the weirdness! I was surprised that there’s still so much I didn’t know even after living here for close to 2.5 years! I’ll never look at my pillow in the same way again – and be a lot more careful of my Sies and Dus 😉
      Also LOVE the idea of In-n-Out being a front! Should we call the FBI?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Lol. I’ll never think of In-n-Out quite the way again 😉 So you’ve been in Germany over 2 years?!?!? I can’t it. Seems like just yesterday you were trying to fill out forms to avoid the church tax 😉 What is the longest you’ve lived in another country? Besides Ireland, of course. I know you’ve mentioned it before but my brain is like a sieve.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Funnily enough, Latvia! 4 years! One year in France (during uni), 3 months in Rhode Island (during the rainiest summer on record in 30 years), one year in Oz, one year in NZ, one year in Poland… I get around 🙂 I can’t see myself leaving Germany though – I’m not sure any other country has the same level of quirk! 😉 In-n-out – gives you an appetite for more than burgers 😉

          Liked by 3 people

          1. Not heard of the pillow thing, but, then again, a wet towel can take someone’s eye out, and if you’re whacked at full force with a pillow and end up crashing your head against the wall or flying down the stairs a result… you see where I’m going with this… hence, any “implement” can serve as a weapon and “it was just a pillow” should not count as an excuse in a case of domestic violence, for example.

            Liked by 3 people

            1. Yep, totally agree with that! No excuses for any form of domestic violence, ever. I’d never even heard of the term passive weapon before. Now I’m looking around my flat and wondering what else I could use as a passive weapon…

              Liked by 1 person

                1. It just so happens I have one of those in my kitchen courtesy of a lovely student 😉 It’s even got a little bell on it so I could musically knock you out – while yodelling 🙂

                  Liked by 2 people

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