Every now and then, an event comes along that you think is going to be right up your street. In my case this was “Wine and Words”, which took place last Friday.
It looked fantastic on paper (or on screen, rather):
“Wine lovers and word fanatics, you are in for a treat!”
All good so far…
“Together with Wine Club Berlin you will be able to ask all the questions you have about the magic grape juice while tasting a range of carefully selected treasures.”
Yes to that…
“Followed by brave readers and their stories, there will be live music with a range of ukulele, violin and live-looping combined with soulful harmonies – what better way is there to start your weekend?”
Damned if I could think of one.
I arranged to meet my English friend Bea there, and she brought along her German friend, Gerlinde. We were all set for a wonderful, cultural (if slightly boozy) start to the weekend. The free wine tasting started at 7pm and I don’t think any of us were quite prepared for the scrum that ensued. However, being the hardy Irish chick that I am, I managed to shove my way in. I discovered that there’s also something quite satisfying about hip-checking hipsters.
The barman proceeded to pour a dribble of wine into the glasses of the lucky few who had battled to the bar, all the while extolling the virtues of the drop that had barely wet my mouth. Still, I could taste enough to know that it was awful.
Round two.
Gerlinde: Hmm.
Me: Hmm. I’m sensing undertones of vinegar.
Gerlinde: It smells a bit like pineapple. But the canned kind, not the good stuff.
Me: Hmm. It smells a bit like paint-stripper.
Poor Bea hadn’t had the heart to ram her way through hipster-hell so she missed out.
I managed to taste a drop of rosé and a drop of red before giving up and paying for a proper glass of wine. €4.50 for 125ml – utterly outrageous. I could get 23 bottles at LIDL for the price of one bottle there; it’s debatable which is preferable – dying of shock at the price of one bottle or dying from drinking 23 of them.
We managed to find a table and people-watching commenced. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen so many tossers in one place. I wondered if all of these people who try so hard to look so different from everyone else, with their craaaaaaaazy hair and craaaaaaaazy clothes, realise that they simply look the same as everyone else who’s trying to look so different. Deep, right?
Needless to say, it was a total selfie-fest but special mention has to go to “the wookie in the wife-beater”. First of all, anyone who wears a wife-beater in January can’t have all of their cups in the cupboard (as we say in German). Secondly, any man who aims to draw attention to himself by displaying his mammoth amount of back and shoulder hair in public should be sent to a galaxy far, far away.
It was almost enough to put a girl off her wine, but not quite. I got another glass.
Me: Where are the words? It’s after 8.30 and not one word!
Bea: Hmm, not sure. Maybe they’re getting organised.
Me: Well, I’m not sitting here drinking overpriced plonk all night. There’d better be some words soon.
Bea: We could just leave. Go to a normal bar?
Me: NO! I came to hear words and hear words I will!
Finally, a girl got on stage and introduced the first act – a violinist. Everyone clapped uproariously now that things were finally getting started and we settled in to enjoy the show. After a pretentious nod to the audience, he commenced to play the most mournful dirge I think I’ve ever heard in my life. Way to get the party started.
As I squirmed with boredom, I chanced a look around me at the other guests. Slack-jawed and glassy-eyed would be a fairly accurate description. One guy poured the rest of a bottle into his glass as another fell asleep. After around three minutes, the caterwauling ended and someone started clapping enthusiastically – probably in relief. But no, it was just a brief pause; he played on for another six hours, or maybe it just felt that way.
Me: Jesus.
Bea and Gerlinde: …
The next act was introduced – a reader, finally. Now, I know how hard it is to get up in front of a roomful of people so I’ll be charitable.
I have never, EVER, heard such unadulterated, self-involved drivel in my life.
Me: Right, that’s it. I’m done.
We put on our coats and walked out.
Bea: Never invite me to anything again.
Me: But it sounded so good on paper!
This was actually the inaugural “Wine and Words” evening. Next time, if there is a next time, I’d suggest that they call the event “Self-obsessed twats listening to self-obsessed twats talking twaddle and drinking dribbles of crap wine” – it would save people getting their hopes up.
If you agree to come to an event that highlights ukulele (!!!), you really shouldnt be surpsised by paint-strepper wine 😛
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Live and learn!
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Love the writing – your words really made me laugh. I’m looking forward to reading more 🙂
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Fantastic! Thank you so much! Another post is on the way 😉
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Ooops! Well that’s unusual.
But I’m guessing the secret word was “free.”
You would think that as Berliners.we’re all too cool, but remember when that new hipster place was opened somewhere in Neukölln last year, and they were giving out free organic vegan burgers on their opening day..Well, so many turned up and up to 500 people were waiting in the queue, that the police had to be called for crowd control, and most of the people who turned up weren’t even hipsters, and many had never ever had an vegan anything in their life… I think it was more, “There’s free food next door. Let’s go. Yeah!” It was hilarious though and quite the talk of the town!
Here’s the link: https://www.thelocal.de/20160418/police-calm-frenzy-at-berlin-vegan-restaurant-opening
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Ha, yeah, I heard that story! Berliners do like free stuff, that’s for sure!
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Honesty, always in style.
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No alternative facts here 😉 Thanks for commenting! Linda.
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What an awful sounding evening – I’m surprised you stuck it out that long – although at the price of the glass of wine you wouldn’t want to rush it!
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I was determined to hear at least one word – I can drink wine any time! And I had the mistaken believe that there might be someone with talent there… live and learn! 😉
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Sounds excruciating. Next time go with the 23 bottles from Lidl and host your own non-pretentious word night.
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There might not be many words at all after 23 bottles of wine… that could be preferable though! Nice idea haha!
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Hm, this sounds like a coastal elite party 🙂 Welcome to the us!
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No thanks 😉 That does not sound like my cup of tea at all!
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Definitely not. That’s why I stay in my own little world 🙂 With wine.
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Seems like the wise thing to do right now!
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Sounds like you were listening to Mr. Trump’s inaugural address: “such unadulterated, self-involved drivel.” Thoroughly enjoyed your rant 😀
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You should have heard my rant after Trump 😉
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It was, no doubt, the rant heard ’round the world 😏 And I wonder if I should study German since Merkel is now considered the leader of the free world …
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Ha, that or Chinese – both might be useful! Good old Merkel – she bows to no man 😉
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You know, Trump doesn’t wait for women to bow to him … 😬
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I’d like to see him trying to grab Merkel… 😉
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Remember when George W. Bush massaged her shoulders … the look in her face was priceless!
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Bah haha! I’d never seen that before!
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https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/news/blog/2006/jul/28/bushrubsmerke
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I’m going to have “Massage on the Bottom” in my head for the rest of the night now 😉
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You’re welcome 😉
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Sending an SOS!
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Egads!!! Sounds dreadful. Whereas I’ve just walked out of something rather well run – Scotland, Mumbai, Taipei & Sydney – good company, good food and quite good whisky with only one “I’m saying my name again and saying some inane obscure but complimentary comment so maybe a few people remember who I am and I think I’m knowledgable” (not me btw – I just saw quiet drinking and poking my companions!)
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Drinking and poking are two of my favourite hobbies too 😉 Dreadful about sums it up!
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It sounded too good on paper, that’s the problem. You should have got suspicious at “carefully selected treasures” 😉
I won’t tell you how much a glass of wine costs in Switzerland then… my mum made me take her to France after paying for a glass in Basel!
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Ha ha! That sounds baaaaaaaaaaaad! Yeah, carefully selected treasures – guess I got over-excited by the “free” bit 😉
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And, I guess a “wife beater ” is a tank top-ish sort of garment? I wonder why it’s called that?
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Ha ha! Just got this definition from Urban Dictionary – form fitting white ribbed tank top worn by men; looks good on well-built fellas, pathetic on skinny fellas, and disgusting on fat beer bellied fellas 🙂 I’d add big hairy fellas with man buns and braces to the last part 😉
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Argh, now that is quite the image!
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I did take a picture but, apart from the hair, it didn’t come out that well 😉
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Funny Title. “Never invite me to anything again.” haha
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Maybe there will be a follow-up post where I do invite her to something again 😉 But probably not for a while! Thanks for commenting!
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It’s been awhile since you have had a rant…. Loved it
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Heh heh, every now and then it overwhelms me and comes out in one big rush!! 🙂
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I loved the “undertones of vinegar”
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I did a wine-tasting course in Dublin once – taught me everything I know 😉
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Yeah, I did something like that too, I think it was called an 18th Birthday party
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Mine was too long ago to remember 😉
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Oh you fibber
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Oi! PN, we haven’t heard from you for far too long.
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Maybe you need to write something with “wanker” in the headline to get his attention 😉
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I have had an amazing fight with TNT parcel delivery service, as soon as my therapy is over.. (read into that wine) I will write a post about it.
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I’m about to unleash a can of whupass on Vodafone 😉
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Whupass😂😂
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Totally worth it. For me. I learnt a new word – “dirge”. Merci 🙂
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Ha ha! Well maybe it was worth it for that alone then 🙂 Nah, not really… Never again! This was up there with the worman.
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Haha, I also really enjoyed that! I bet that in these kinds of situations, you just sit back and think of Latvia, and suddenly it doesn’t seem so bad 😉
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Erm, no, that never happens! Remember that post I wrote about the hipster district in Riga? All I found was a few old ladies and a workman hanging from a tree in a barrel 🙂 Hmm, maybe that WAS preferable!!
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