I’ve been having a problem with very dry, itchy skin on my bum for a while now. When my self-thought-up treatment plan – scratching and hoping – didn’t seem to be yielding any results, I knew it was time to see a doctor.
While I’m a fan of men looking at my bottom in general, in this case, I thought a lady doctor would be infinitely better so I emailed a couple of Frauenärztin. Boom – I managed to get an appointment only a week and a half later. That’s practically five minutes in German time. I filled the nine days by scratching and sitting on one butt cheek – time well spent.
On the morning in question, I walked into the surgery where the jolly receptionist handed me a form to fill in. I took a seat in the waiting room beside a couple of terrified-looking dads-to-be and examined the form. Name, address, date of birth, how often and how long my period is – no problems there.
Height in metres:
Um. No idea. I wasn’t sure that “the same height as Kylie Minogue” would be exact enough for a German doctor so I took a stab at it.
Weight in kilograms:
Even less idea. 85? Sounds reasonable. Yeah, let’s put that down.
Why you’re here today:
“Problem mit…” Was “Arsch” an appropriate word to use on a German form? Deciding it probably wasn’t, I hit up Google for some options – “Hintern” seemed to tick the boxes. In it went. I handed the form back to the receptionist and waited to be called. A diminutive woman in her late fifties or early sixties announced “Frau Ogg-rah-dee” and in I went.
She took one look at me and started chuckling. Could she see my Arschproblem just from the way I was walking?
Doc: Bah haha! I expected you to be a little bigger! Why did you write 85 kilos? You’d be like this… (imitates a fat person waddling around the room)
Me: ‘Cos I’m Irish and have no idea about the metric system?
Doc: Hee hee hee. What part of Ireland?
Me: Dublin.
Doc: My daughter went to university there – I love Ireland.
Me: Great!
Doc: So, I see you have a problem with your Popo.
Me: Popo…! (keels over laughing)
So, it seemed that Popo was the term favoured by German doctors. Fine by me.
She directed me towards an examination chair in the corner and I took off my jeans and knickers. Feeling a bit like a half-plucked chicken, I hopped up onto the chair, spread my legs and put my feet on the pads. The height of elegance. The doctor proceeded to poke around in my bumly quarters.
Doc: Oh, ganz schlimm, ganz schlimm… (Very bad, very bad…)
Me: Ganz schlimm?
Doc: Oh ja. Ganz schlimm.
Me: I wish you’d stop saying that.
Doc: Aber es ist wirklich ganz schlimm.
Me: Am I going to lose my Popo?
Doc: Ha haha! NEIN! Aber es ist wirklich ganz schlimm.
Me: Please stop saying that.
Doc: Have you had any other medical problems lately?
Me: Well, I had very dry skin on my hands during the winter…
Doc: Could be related. (Does this woman think I sit around tickling my bum in my free time?) Do you eat a lot of oranges?
Me: No. Oh, but I am having a love affair with blood orange juice.
Doc: Could also be related.
Me: Huh, I thought that would be healthy? You know, Vitamin C and all?
Doc: Yes.
Me: Erm…
After examining whatever she had scraped from my Popo under a microscope and pronouncing it to be “ganz schlimm” and some sort of bacterial infection, she gave me a prescription for two creams – one to be used twice a day and the other whenever I felt like it.
Me: But is there a particular number of times a day I should use it?
Doc: NEIN. Schmieren, schmieren, schmieren (smear, smear, smear), whenever and wherever you like.
Me: So, maybe in the U-Bahn?
Doc: Ha ha ha! Well, maybe not in the U-Bahn.
Me: “Don’t mind me, fellow passengers. I’m just schmieren my Popo. Schmieren, schmieren, schmieren. Doctor’s orders.”
Doc: Ha haha!
I was probably the most fun the woman had that day.
Anyway, you’ll be glad to hear that I’ve been schmieren away like a demon and my poor Popo is finally on the mend. And if I could give you a word of advice, remember that when it comes to your bum, schmieren is carin’.
Lol this is awesome!!
I hope your popo is totally better now. Thanks for making me smile! ❤
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You’re more than welcome! Thanks for commenting! 🙂
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Too funny!
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Thank you! My poor po didn’t find it so funny at the time but you can always find the humour in most things 😉 Thanks for commenting!
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No, po would not! But you told it funnily though ☺ self deprecation at all times is fully appreciated
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That’s one thing I can do well. Wait, I guess that wasn’t very self-deprecating… 😉
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😂😂
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My jaw literally dropped when I saw “85”! You nearly doubled your weight!
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Ha, that was her reaction too! I really must get up on this stuff!
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Well yeah, I look like I ate you, and I am still probably only around 75!
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Bah haha!
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I’ve learnt some very useful German words now. 😉
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You’ll only find the most essential vocab on this blog 😉
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No photo this time?
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I didn’t think anyone needed to see that – it took me a while to pluck up the courage to look at what was going on back there 😉
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The good doctor did not say what the source of the infection might be? Like, for example, a toilet seat? In any case, I am glad that your Popo is on the mend (–proud of myself for capitalizing the German noun…)
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I’m proud of you too! I find that I’ve started doing it in English too though which is a bit worrying! I guess it’s the orange juice – unlikely as that seems! But could also be a rogue German toilet… 😉
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You’re just harking back to the 18th century practice in English, where People got to capitalize whatever they Wanted.
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I think I’m OK with That – as long as people know how to use an apostrophe 😉
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Agreed.
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Do you have pictures?
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I felt that this was one post that could do without pictures!!
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That bum deal headline tricked me… turns out it’s a smear campaign!
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Bah haha! Yeah, she wants me back for one of those too. Doctors…
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Next she’ll be wanting to hold your first born…WATCH OUT!
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There were lots of thank you notes with photos of babies attached on the walls… I ran past them as fast as my Popo would allow 😉
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Good to hear you are on the mend. (And still trying to figure out why you took your bum problem to a gynaecologist… Whatever did they teach you in biology class in Ireland??????????) (JK)
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How to be Catholic and not have sex 😉 To me, Frauenärztin = lady doctor – anything around that region should be included!!
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Hehe, kind of makes sense. And good to know for future reference here in Ireland… so you reckon, if I ever should have a Popoproblem, I should go to a gyn. doctor?!
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Sure! Why not! They probably get bored of babies all the time – why not mix it up a bit! Popo vs Baba 😉
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Glad to hear your popo is improving (love that word “popo”!). I wonder if you’ve been taking in too much Vitamin C. My husband used to take loads of Vitamin C when he had a cold until one time when he broke out in an itchy rash on his chest and abdomen. Once he cut back on the C, the rash went away. But, hey, I’m no doctor 😉
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I never thought there could be such a thing as too much! It’s like choosing between scurvy and a rash 😉 But I guess I’ll be choosing scurvy for a while! And Popo really cracked me up – it’s just not a word I could imagine a GERMAN medical professional ever using!! Live and learn, eh?!
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Indeed, I think you bring out the humor in the Germans 😉
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I think it was there all along – maybe just a bit dormant 😉
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😂😂😂 Glad you found a doctor with a sense of humour, anyway! I hope your popo is perfect again soon 😃
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Same! It could probably do with being a bit smaller but I can work on that when everything else is in Ordnung! At least I know it’s not 85 kilos 😉
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Very funny.
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Thank you, kind sir. My Popo also thanks you 😉
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Haha! I’m really curious about the height you wrote now 😀
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I think 152 or 154 cms. Clearly not nearly as far off as the weight!
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152 cm and 85 kg? I think that would be three Lindas 😀
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Yeah, judging by the doc’s sketch routine, I think you might be right! She was really funny though 🙂
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Wait-Ireland uses feet and pounds? I always thought you used metres and kilos…
Also, popo!
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Yep, I know my weight and height in pounds and feet, no idea in metric! Popo cracked me up too 🙂
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Same wtih us. I was always so confused in Australia but figured you were like the UK. Also, give us a pop update. Still very bad?
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Nah, it’s getting better 🙂 Reckon another 4 or 5 days with the cream and all will be po-perfect again 😉
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always such a punster
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Po-punster 🙂
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If you know it in pounds, all you have to do is divide it by 2 and you get your weight in kg 🙂
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I don’t but good trick! Can’t even remember the last time I weighed myself!
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Then just take your height in cm and deduct 100 😉
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I think that would actually be accurate! Mind blown 😉
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By the way, Popo comes from Latin Podex/podere (engl. to fart).
And the normal German term is Gesäß and comes from sitzen (engl. to sit) 😉
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Ha ha! A true education! Thank you very much!
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Not quite knickers in the air!
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Knickers on the floor! Wasn’t much to celebrate haha! Give me a week or so 😉
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I’ll be waiting!
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Same! A knickers in the air day is always fun 😉
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It’s been far too long, at least for me!
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I think that we have many more of those in our futures 🙂
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I need to rediscover that femininity!
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