German men 101

As someone who’s perfectly happy with her German man, you can imagine my surprise when I came across this event on Facebook:

German Men 101

German men are unique species. Usually, men are not easy to handle, but German men beat them all. It requires deep understanding of their nature, and the cultural differences, in order to survive a long-term relationship. 

We all experience the same: drinking habits, jealousy, your friends (particularly straight male friends), his friends and family, privacy issues, keeping his football trophy from 4th grade, and many more weird habits that you do not know how to digest…

Don’t worry! We are here to advise and support!! After years of dating German men (including getting married to some of them), we offer our knowledge and experience to help others. You are not alone!! 

We will have an overview and explanations for the most common and weird habits we observed through the years, ask questions, get answers and share war stories. Come to reveal the mystery!

I had several thoughts after reading this:

  1. It can’t be real.
  2. It sounds like a bunch of mad Eastern European women mistaking mad Eastern European men for lovely German men.
  3. I have to go.

It seems I was not alone on my first thought. The day before the event, the organiser posted:

People asked us if the event is real. So, yes, it is  We are looking forward to see you tomorrow!

Final thought – please God, let there be wine…

Men were not allowed “due to the sensitive topics” so I left Manfredas (chuckling gleefully at the things I do for this blog) and stepped out into the night. Around 20 minutes later, I arrived at the venue looking like a drowned rat and dripping onto the registration table. I paid my fiver (yeah, I know…), got a stamp to indicate my betrayal of the German men I love and hit the bar. I said a mental “thank you” to the Big Guy and got a glass of wine, scouting the room for the seat closest to the snack table.

I may have seen it all now.

Comfortably seated, I leaned over and spoke to the rather beautiful girl beside me.

Me: So, have you had terrible experiences with German men? 

Maria: Oh God, yes! So many! 

Me: Really? Like what? 

Maria: Oh, this one time, I was on a date in a restaurant and the guy told me that I was being too loud and everyone in the restaurant was looking at us and it was very embarrassing for him.

Me: Bah haha! I guess that was your first and last date! 

The room had filled up a bit and now there were around 20 women – and one guy. The Israeli woman hosting the event said that she had “allowed him” to be there as he was a journalist. Needless to say, he looked more and more depressed as the evening wore on.

Poor dude.

Suddenly, the screen was filled with my new (Brazilian, as it turned out) friend, who had made a video bemoaning German men’s inability to flirt. This was met with groans of approval, nodding heads and rolling eyes. German men cannot approach women or flirt, it seems.

The host, Tal, explained that this is because German men are both “afraid and respectful”. And, as only 17% of German men use dating apps, “you have to hunt them outside – you have to be creepy”.

I began to feel very, very sorry for German men.

If, however, you do manage to ensnare a German man (insert evil cackle here), moving in together will present a whole new set of issues. A German man’s idea of moving in together is that you move in with him and he clears you a shelf. The more serious it gets, the more space you receive. This, however, is not as easy as it sounds since German men hoard everything they’ve ever owned since they were babies.

Me: Hey Manfredas, do you have any trophies from the fourth grade? 

Manfredas: Erm, no. I do have a hockey trophy from 2007, though. 

Me: Hmm. 

True story.

If joint shelves are an issue, you can imagine how German men feel about joint bank accounts. NEIN!

Friends are another thorny subject. Your German man will have one to three people in his life that he considers friends. For example:

Jane: Hey honey, are you inviting any friends from work to the wedding? 

Jannes: I do not have “friends from work”. They are COLLEAGUES! COLLEAGUES ARE COLLEAGUES, FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS!! 

Jane: (sniffle)

According to the (possibly quite mad) women at this event, German men will also have major problems with your straight male friends. However, contrary to popular belief, this is not because they are jealous; it’s because they have low self-esteem and are afraid that someone will steal you away from them…

Some other choice words used to describe German men during the evening were: negative, pessimistic, passive, logical, private, over-insured… they also like a drink or seven but that’s not so different from Irish men (or women) so I’m alright with that.

Apart from the last point, it was like listening to someone describing people from another planet. If men really are from Mars, then most of these women were from TrES-2b (yep, it’s a real thing – Google it).

I’ve been chatted up by an Irish guy with the line, “your eyes are the same colour as my tractor”; I dated (for a short time) an English man who thought that we could visit each other using “the bridge between England and Ireland”; I had a Polish man hit on me in my kitchen while his wife was in the other room… So yeah, I think I’ll stick with the Germans, weirdness and all.




40 thoughts on “German men 101”

  1. You posted this on February 1! Egad, I knew I was behind … sob … funny post, though, and it could be applied to __[fill in the blank]__ men. Especially about the moving in together part. Sounds like you had fun (as always)!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi. Great entry! I don’t wanna know what would have happened if a similar event on “German women 101” would have been organized… Regarding the stereotypes, they sound quite accurate to me. The funny part is that German women aren’t very different. Just substitute drinking for “brunch”, men’s hobbies with yoga, add some vegan/bio food obsession and there you have it. My experience dating and with friends is quite the opposite. The majority of couples I know are Spanish male/German female, precisely because German women hate the traits described here and others (self-centeredness, stubbornness, obsession with success, mean with money, teenage-attitude with friends, careless about family, etc…). Very possibly because it reminds them of themselves in a way. Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha! Sounds like you haven’t had very good experiences! I’ve never dated a German woman but have lived with a couple which I enjoyed immensely! My lesson in Mülltrennung was a standout moment 😉 Thanks for the comment and sorry for the delay in replying! Best,


  3. Hm, as a German woman that sounds more like generell culture clash to me. In my experience women who complain that german men don’t know how to flirt or talk to them usually come from a country where men are expected to be the aggressor and do the first step. An educated German man would never hit on a woman without getting a clear signal first that his advances are welcome. To do so in Germany would be seen as disrespectful and rude, even harassment. Women from a culture where the men are culturally expected to be way more aggressive often don’t understand that and fail to give this signals. But why they would want a relationship with a German when they find them so awful I don’t know.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yep, same! I really like that German men don’t harass you or make unwanted advances. To me, they’re respectful and considerate. And if you do go out with one, that continues 🙂 Thanks for commenting! Best, Linda.


  4. Haw! Haw! Haw!
    ‘Can’t believe that there was such a thing.

    Having married a German man, and dated a few other German men, the only thing I can say is that they can be shy (read respectful), but perfectly polite.

    I didn’t want to scare him you see, so I kept giving him subtle hints which he utterly didn’t get! It took months, and really close sitting, practically touching shoulders, before my (now) husband realised that I wanted him to ask me out on a date!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha, I remember you telling me that! Luckily he copped on in the end! He cooks a mean Xmas dinner 😉 And yes, I thought I was dreaming it too – the things FB suggests to me haha!


  5. I can’t comment on German men, but I can on German women. It is….interesting. My ex-girlfriend of three years was German. She was Swabian which was like everything German raised to third power. I remember in an article from der Spiegel where a Spanish man who’d lived in Cologne for 20 years commented: “You may see many German men with Spanish women, but will never see a Spanish man with a German woman.” And I do not think it was only based on looks.

    What was partly based on looks was when Benjamin Franklin explained the number of Germans in Pennsylvania was a problem because the English men were not attracted to German women because (and I quote) they were “dicke and starke” women. German men also tended to be attracted to women who could help on the farm, therefore the classic milky white skin of the British Isles’ ladies was not the German men’s cup of tea..

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 1. I’m relieved the organizers didn’t reduce anyone to a stereotype or anything.

    2. I admire your commitment to research. You get the Dedicated Blogger Award. You don’t have to do anything for it and it consists entirely of hot air and pixels.

    3. The guy who wanted to use the bridge between England and Ireland? I think you should’ve encouraged him.

    Liked by 1 person

        1. I’m sure he’ll get there 😉 Manfredas has been telling me the correct German words for those bath slipper things Germans love so much – Adiletten or Badelatschen – he swears by them. With socks, of course 😉

          Liked by 1 person

          1. It’s… here we go… COMFORTABLE. The only thing Germans care more about than beer and sausages and insurance policies then it’s comfortable footwear. Because, what happens when you walk in sandals for long distances on a hot day? Feet become sweaty and then you get blisters. Socks can prevent this, and you still get more cool air circulating around your tootsies than if you were wearing normal shoes where socks are “allowed”.

            Also, if you have diabetes (and a lot of older people have), any blister, any little scratch on your toes, feet or legs can turn into ulcers (google diabetic leg/foot ulcers if you’re feeling brave) that can take months to heal (or don’t heal at all – because of the diabetes) and then you end up in hospital. If you come out again with your leg still attached, you’ll have been lucky. So, doctors tell their diabetes patients not to wear shoes without socks.

            Where is all of this coming from, I hear you gasp. They made me write an assignment on this at uni once. I can send it to you 🙂

            Liked by 3 people

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