3 weird things I’ve learnt about France

Last night was my second time doing a pub quiz with two lovely French men in the Charles Dickens pub in Bordeaux. They took pity on the stray Irish woman sitting at the bar last week and invited me to join them again this week after we didn’t completely embarrass ourselves the first time. (We came dead last but they’re stuck with me now.)

However, I did pick up some interesting information – not about Asian flags, I’ve forgotten those already – but about my increasingly beloved and endearingly odd France.

1. It is illegal to be naked in France if there’s a chance someone can see you

This brought on a bout of panic when I remembered that I’d blithely waltzed out of my bathroom buck naked earlier in the day. Had I inadvertently broken French law? What even is the French law? Today I found out:

“Article 222-32 of the new penal code (applicable since 1 March 1994) stipulates: “Deliberate sexual display in the sight of others in a place accessible to the public gaze is punishable by one year in prison and a fine of one hundred thousand francs .”

Zut alors! Is being naked in your apartment considered a “deliberate sexual display” if the neighbours’ gaze can see it? How much can they actually see through the net curtains? The towels here are barely big enough to cover one boob – would they think that perhaps I was being coquettish? Peek-a-boob?

I decided not to take my chances and spent my lunch hour today buying a bathrobe. I also bought a yoga mat and a couple of dumbbells – just in case someone does catch a glimpse of my bits, hopefully they won’t deem them criminally offensive and shop me to the police.

Incidentally, it’s forbidden to wear a swimsuit in the botanical gardens. But I assume, based on the above, that that doesn’t mean they want you to show up in your birthday suit either.

They make jumping on the flowers look like way too much fun, in my opinion.

2. It is illegal to flush dead goldfish down the toilet

I suspect that this may be nothing to do with respect for the dead, but rather fear of dodgy French plumbing not being able to cope with anything other than… shall we say… the bare essentials?

???

Still, with no plans to buy a goldfish, have it long enough for it to die, and then figure out how to dispose of it, this one doesn’t pose too much of a problem.

Of course, I have saved the best for last…

3. It is legal to marry a dead person in France

Apropos loved ones that have shuffled off their mortal coil, it is completely legal to marry a dead person in France – although consummation might be tricky.

According to Wikipedia, “Posthumous marriage for civilians originated in the 1950s, when a dam broke and killed 400 people in Fréjus, France, including a man named André Capra, who was engaged to Irène Jodart. She pleaded with French President Charles de Gaulle to let her go ahead with her marriage plans even though her fiancé had died. She had support from the media and within months was allowed to marry her fiancé.”

Before you get too excited about moving to France and marrying Elvis though, you have to be able to prove that the dead person actually wanted to marry you and get approval from several civil servants and the family of the deceased.

Having thought about this literally all day – I mean, obviously – I’ve come round to the idea of marrying a dead man. Less mess, for starters. No droning on about boring man stuff or, worse, mansplaining it to you. Nobody stealing the covers or snoring like a train next to you.

Just a nice ring and a tidy little urn on a shelf that you can blow a kiss to on your way out the door in your little black dress. Black out of respect, naturally…

(Oh, and unlike in Germany, it is completely legal to make noise in France on a Sunday morning so if you do want to secretly flush a goldfish, that’s probably a good time to do it.)