Wedded Bliss

Amazingly, I’m not bound and gagged on someone’s basement floor, but am, rather, alive and kicking in Berlin.

I’ve settled into my temporary home in Wedding, which I have until the 23rd of September. The old guy who owns it is currently in hospital so, most of the time, I have the place to myself. However, he does pop in every day (colostomy bag in tow) to give me helpful pointers on how to use various household objects in a more German way. For example, this is unacceptable behaviour in Germany:


After my previous lecture on how to hang up a dish towel correctly, I thought I’d just let things dry naturally from then on and avoid the whole dish towel issue altogether. Now Hermann comes in every day (at unexpected times) and puts everything away where I can’t find it neatly. We’re a bit like an Irish-German ‘Odd Couple’ – after I’ve spent the whole of the previous day unintentionally deGermanising the place, he comes round and reGermanises it, tutting good-naturedly at my slovenly ways.

However, fun as this is, the prospect of being homeless in under two weeks is gnawing at me so I’ve lined up a couple of flat viewings for tomorrow. (One woman replied saying she wanted someone ‘god-fearing’ so I ruled that one out.) After chatting to some people, I’ve decided to just go for a room in an apartment for the first few months and look for my own place a bit further down the line.

I thought my luck was in last night. I’d been at an English language stand-up comedy night in JÄÄ-ÄÄR (Estonian for ‘iceberg’) and afterwards headed back to Offside on the off chance my new buddy might be there. He wasn’t but I did meet a red-headed German named Paddy, complete with leprechaun tattoo, who offered me his spare room. It seemed like fate but it turns out I’d have to buy a bed so that’s not going to fly. Moral of the story – don’t get excited over things that happen while drinking green shots that taste like Listerine.

There’s not much to report on the job front yet (but I do have an interview on Thursday) so instead, I thought I’d make a little list of things that I’m looking forward to in Germany.

1. More sausage than I can handle – and just good-quality meat in general. Take that as you will.

2014-09-13 18.51.41
Giant sausage


2. Order, rules, systems… it’s going to make such a pleasant change.

3. Being surrounded by polite, considerate, helpful, cheerful people – and yes, I do mean the Germans. Except when they’re in Primark on a Saturday afternoon – then they’re just scary.

4. Sex in German – ja, ja, oh mein Gott, schneller, schneller, ja, ja, das ist ausgezeichnet… what a sexy language.

5. Learning German so that I can understand what’s going on during the sex.

And that pretty much brings us up to date!




146 thoughts on “Wedded Bliss”

  1. Bahahaha, good luck with the learning German part! I’ve fallen off the bandwagon in that respect, but I actually do think it’s a sexy language. Or maybe I think it’s sexy because the Germans I know (and the one I married) is sexy. 😉


  2. The comments are almost as fun as your post. How have you managed to find THE most German of Germans? Separate tea towels for dishes and hands? I would laugh at Jan if he tried that! (Also, we have a draining rack where dishes go to dry/hang out til I can be bothered to put them away).

    Liked by 2 people

      1. That’s how I see it too! I’ve never seen anyone have a separate hand towel and dishtowel (that look the same, by the way!) – he said it’s also for feet. I’m not sure if he’s joking.


  3. I have a big confession to make. But before that, I have a favor to ask. Can you email me your new address?
    Now to the confession, your card never made it to the post office. 😀 FORGIVE the crazy mother.
    And woman, Germany is will never know what hit them. Good luck on the new adventure!


        1. Ha ha! Don’t worry about it! I did check the mailbox every day though! I was hoping it would arrive on the day I left – something kind of perverse in that 🙂
          But Germany. It will probably get here faster. It’s efficient here 😉


    1. I made the mistake of boiling my egg in a saucepan this morning – should have used this little gadget thing instead. And I put my brotchen under the grill – should have used a smaller thing I didn’t see 😉 So many mistakes!


      1. LOL, Jan boils eggs in a saucepan because it’s not worth having a gadget for the once in a blue moon that he makes an egg. His dad also boils eggs in a saucepan. Where are all the real Germans in my life?

        Do you have an actual grill?! If so I’m jealous! I have the top-heat only setting on my oven, but grill it is not! It takes it about half an hour to make cheese on toast!


        1. I’ve got around 10 different ways to grill Brotchen 😉 I’ll do it the ‘right’ way today as he’ll probably walk in when I’m in the middle of it! Enjoying my first peaceful cup of tea of the day now – this won’t last 😉


  4. Hermann is gonna get old really quickly… 😉 It always amazes me that Germans are so pernickety about dishes drying on a sink but can’t queue to save their lives!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Uh oh, he’s shown up early this morning. Thought I’d at least get breakfast out of the way… Think I left my spoon (unwashed!) in the sink. He’ll probably throw me out 😉


  5. LOL, my boyfriend is clearly not a “real” German. 10 years on he still hasn’t shown me the proper way to hand a tea towel 😉

    I suspect you’ll have to buy a bed wherever you go. I suppose there might be pre-furnished WG rooms out there, but I imagine they’re few and far between, unless you get one for “Zwischenmiete” where the actual tenant is away for a while but doesn’t want to give up the room, so they tempoarily re-rent it to someone else complete with all their furniture.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I saw another place yesterday and the bed is already there – but I’d have to buy it 😉 Wonder if she’d just put it out in the garden or something if I didn’t take it?
      And you should send Jan round to ‘my old man’ – he’ll make a real man of him 😉


      1. She’d wait til Sperrmüll and put it out then, at which point anyone that wants can come and take it as long as they’re quicker than the rubbish collectors 😉


        1. What a lovely word 😉 So I could just tell her I don’t want it, watch her lug it down 2 flights of stairs, wait til she goes and run down and lug it back up again before the rubbish collectors get it… seems sensible 😉

          Liked by 1 person

            1. Is it like one day a year or something? This is the first I’ve heard of it! Sounds like a good idea though! Do you have Germans fighting in the streets over lamps and the like? I’d pay to see that 😉


  6. Good to see you’ve landed safely in Germany. Good luck with the language. If they can be as picky as that about dishtowels and pots, then I shudder at how picky they can be over proper verb conjugation.


  7. So what’s the offending part on the picture with the dishes? Is it that they aren’t aligned with the metal ridges next to the sink?


      1. Ugh, towel-drying freshly cleaned dishes is pointless (unless you’re about to use the thing you’ve cleaned, or there’s no space at the sink any more) – not only it’s excessive work, it’s hard to do well. And storing moist dishes is bordering on stupid – and wahrscheinlich is verboten, too. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

    1. germans can be very proper. they have their system how things are done and that’s it – it’s a rule. i live with a german and god forbid i leave them cutleries drying there at the sink! must dry them and put EXACTLY where they belong. the same applies to anything else in apartment and life in general.

      of course, there are also people who are complete opposite. for better insight i highly recommend to watch RTL2 show “Frauentausch” (Wife Exchange). it’s a “reality” show where a wife from usually good and proper german family steps into the shoes of a “bad” and “improper” german wife (ala character from “Benefits Street”) and vice versa.. it’s highly entertaining and teaches you a lot. 😀 some episodes of the show go even further and show exchange of, let’s say, sex-addict/S&M wife and a devout/god-fearing wife etc. etc. (you decide who is to be considered a good wife and bad wife in this case :D)

      Liked by 2 people

      1. i watch it normally on Thursday evenings at 9 p.m. on RTL2. perhaps there are also rebroadcasts other days and time. or, you can catch up with previous episodes here:

        i don’t speak a word german myself but that does not stop me from watching all kinds of tv shows in german language. and after 3 years of active listening you cannot talk behind my back thinking that i won’t understand :))

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I wonder how would a German cutlery-hiding mind be blown up by the fact that I have a wire rack on the spot that’s on the picture – which I use both for drying and storing stuff that I use all the time. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly 😉 I got home this evening and he’d moved everything again – it’s kind of funny but it will get old pretty fast! Saw one apartment today and seeing another in a couple of hours – fingers crossed! 🙂


  8. Great opening line. I’d love to meet your muse! 🙂

    Elder Herman sounds awesome! It really does sound like something from a TV sitcom; what a fun introduction to Germany.

    Just a thought- If you were bound and gagged in someone’s basement, at least it would solve your homeless problem…..


    1. Ha ha! Thank you for the line! You’re not the only person who’s asked something similar recently 😉
      Well, I have until the 23rd with Elder Herman – after that, I’ll do my best on the basement floor front 😉


  9. Hmmm…

    Claudia hat ‘nen Schaeferhund



    and perhaps


    Once you understand those three concepts in their full German context, you will truly understand the adventure you are embarking on. 😉


    1. Hmm, the first one won’t translate which scares me a little. I presume it’s not something innocent about Claudia and her dog?
      Sibling love???
      And lullaby – that sounds nice… 😉


  10. My twisted Lithuanian mind just merged your points 2, 4 and into a “schneller, schneller, shut up and do this by the rule book!” And if ya can’t understand German and thus cannot follow the sex rules- BAM! you’re out of luck and might get a fine 😉 or worse and in a nightmare of… say – wait for it – begins with “D: and there’s a ‘king’ there too 😀

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Ahaha, yes, many (mostly older) Germans act like this. But I ALWAYS let things dry like this… Interesting that you like all of the stuff that made me runaway to Latvia :D.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. btw I absolutely HATE how german (especially austrian german) sounds in bed. its so non romantic… I am however totally swept away with british accent… I could fall for a guy with physical flaws as long as he s got that accent. turns me on like crazy. but then to each his own=) have some fun with german guys while I try my luck with british/irish boys;)

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Ooh, I do like a nice English accent as well. Or Welsh but that’s more for comedy value 😉
          Yeah, I’m having a hard time imagining romantic/sexual German but we’ll see 😉


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