Sleeping with the Germans

Contrary to popular belief, Germany (unfortunately) isn’t all about the Nippel-twisting and Arsch-licking, so when I say sleeping, I actually mean, sleeping. Sorry to disappoint but it’s not my fault your mind went where it did on reading the headline. (Dirty bugger.)

As with most things, sleeping in Germany is a serious business. Don’t be surprised if, when you go back to your new lover’s place and are passionately shedding your smalls as you smooch your way towards the bedroom, you are faced with a bit of a surprise when you get there. You see, practicality trumps romance in a German bedroom. Sure, he’s got a double bed, but you won’t be snuggling up under a double duvet after the main event.

NEIN, this could lead to all sorts of chaotic behaviour. One of you might get more of the duvet than the other, or God forbid, take the opportunity to dice with the dreaded “Dutch oven”. Perhaps if it had been called a “Deutsch oven” things might have been different, but as it stands, you’ll be keeping your Wurst farts to yourself. On a German double bed, there are two single duvets, which, when you think about it, actually makes perfect sense.

Relationship saver
Relationship saver

Germans are also rather early risers so don’t be surprised if, even after the most strenuous exertions, your German is wide awake at ungodly o’clock and slipping his manly German feet into his Hausschuhe. The good news is that he’ll probably make you a nice cup of tea or force-feed you magnesium (to replace lost vitamins) after he’s had his morning Sitzpinkel.

My current Hausschuhe
My current Hausschuhe

All in all, I’m a fan of the Germans’ nocturnal ways; you never have to wake up shivering in the middle of the night, you needn’t worry if he develops a taste for Heinz beans, and you usually get a productive, early start to the day. If I had to gripe about one thing however – and I do – it’s German pillows. Yes, the country that brought us the car, the computer, the jet engine, the pill, X-ray technology, beer and, rather ingeniously, aspirin to ward off the effects of said beer, has failed abysmally at creating comfortable pillows.

I’ve slept in a lot of beds since I moved to Berlin (I’ve changed apartment a lot, OK? Don’t you judge me…) and I can safely say, I’ve yet to find a decent pillow. Pillows in Germany are not your standard rectangular haven of loveliness. No, not content with this, the Germans have created massive square monstrosities that have the approximate consistency of a marshmallow. It doesn’t matter how much you fluff them, pile them, or beat them, as soon as you lay your head on a German pillow, the stuffing retreats to all four far-flung corners and your head is left languishing pathetically on the mattress.

WHY?!
WHY?!

Still, I like to think that this isn’t an oversight on the Germans’ part, but rather, another clever (if tricky) invention. After all, where would the country be if everyone was still drooling into their non-neckbreaking pillows at 8am? Down the Scheißer, that’s where…

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147 thoughts on “Sleeping with the Germans”

  1. The Long Suffering Husband always complains that I steal the blankets, so maybe we should try out this double thing. But I’m about to buy a king size bed, so that probably means I need two double bed comforters. Glad I am not living in Germany at the moment. Plus those pillows—accck!

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  2. The pillows here are absolutely terrible! We travel a lot and I have even debated taking my own pillow with me when ever we travel in Germany. I nearly always wake up with a sore neck, sore back, or both. The separate duvets are nice, the ”divided” bed I can get used to, but the pillows …. those I don’t think I could ever get used to. Perhaps it’s because I’m a side sleeper and their lack of filling just doesn’t cut it.

    http://www.submergedoaks.com/

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  3. LOL! So funny. It’s a always a delight to read you early on a Monday morning!
    As for duvets. My goodness. You’re right. It was a shock and also a battle as I used to throw one away and we’d “struggle” with the other or better, throw them all away. Ahem!
    Oh, and most people on the continent didn’t have blankets. On. The. Bed. Oh dear me no. German people mainly had blankets in the wardrobe. Or on the sofa. Or worse. In the car!

    Now that I’m happily married with resulted sprog, times have changed and sometimes it’s quite alright to settle into your own side of the bed…. I’ve been told that I hog. As does son. Husband doesn’t mind sharing LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha! You’ve found a keeper there 🙂 And yes, I think we island monkeys are the only ones who use the multiple blanket system. I remember being buried in the things whenever I stayed at relatives’ down the country 😉 Thank god for duvets 🙂

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  4. Love your new slippers. 🙂
    And I’m so with you on the duvets. When BV and I first started dating, we were at my house most of the time and so slept under one IKEA-sized duvet. More romantic, perhaps, but I thrash around in my sleep like someone is attacking me, so it’s better for us now with two separate ones. As for the giant square pillows, they are great for about a week. We’ve got three on our bed now and they are all completely shot. Apparently dropping 35 freaking Euros on a pillow is not a guarantee of quality.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Haha! I know those pillows! I have a German friend here and I lived in her apartment for awhile when she was off traveling. And I hated those pillows! I would ball two up and put them on top of each other to try to elevate my head even a little bit. They’re ridiculous!

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  6. Oh, but pillows are the most important part of the bed! How disappointing. But it sounds like one would get his/her own duvet, if I understand your post? I could live with that. Actually, I have my own bed, thank you very much, and I hope I can keep it that way (meaning, if we ever move, I hope I will still have my own room and bed). Love my husband, yes I do, and his bed is for his sleeping and our lovemaking. There’s nothing like being able to stretch out without worrying about kicking someone in their naughty bits. My husband didn’t like the separation at first but after I (accidentally) goosed him once for snoring, he’s been fine with it 🙂

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  7. YES! I absolutely hate the pillow here, especially when we made the mistake of buying bedding that had ‘normal’ pillow cases. We are now forever squishing huge pillows into small cases and it’s just not as comfortable to lay on anyway.
    I agree about the practicality of the two single duvet thing though, although I choose to go for a double anyway ;).

    Liked by 1 person

  8. A single duvet for each occupant of the bed is definitely the way to go. My husband and I have had our own duvets for years, ever since a friend recommended it to us…although he and his wife did get divorced a few months later!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. What, and not a word on the separate mattresses? I can live with the two blankets but how even 4 star hotels have king sized beds consisting of not one but two mattresses is beyond me. Sure it could be cheaper and more ergonomic or whatever else but they make meeting in the middle of the bed soooo uncomfortable. In fact, you can even buy a “Liebesbrücke” to bridge the gap

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A love bridge?! I’ve heard it all now!! 🙂 I haven’t actually seen the two mattress thing personally though I’ve heard of it – I thought maybe it was an urban legend until writing this post 😉

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  10. Haha!! Love this post! At the same time, I am an absolute fan of the two-duvet thing. My Swabian husband and I have the two single mattresses in a double-bed frame – which is admittedly awkward at times. However, Ordung muss sein and everyone’s domain is clearly marked. I just told my husband about your post, and he said he should write a guest post on my blog about what it’s like for a German man to sleep in those crazy American beds with a wife who always steals the blankets!

    The one good thing about the big square fluffballs that I never thought I’d like is that there’s almost always a cold spot somewhere. My American pillow was as thin and hard as a piece of corrugated cardboard, and I’ve learned that the only important thing about a pillow is that it is cold somewhere.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, please, PLEASE get your hubby to write that post! That would be so funny – I could post it as a link on the end of this one to give the opposite point of view 🙂 The two-duvet system, I can get on board with; the two-mattress thing is still beyond me 😉

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      1. …but it’s not nearly as stupid as the two taps thing! (Not sure you have those in Ireland, but I was totally incredulous the first time I encountered them in the UK. And single-glaze windows… unfathomable!)

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Yet again, more proof that I may actually be a German…. we have single duvets on our bed! It is sooooo much more practical, for the reasons you give but also we can both have different weights of duvet. Now that I am over 21 (cough, cough) I get a lot warmer at night, so I need a lightweight duvet, whilst Mr Decisive doesn’t have the added central heating of hormones (or reducing numbers of) and so he still like a nice cosy duvet. Single duvets is the perfect solution! 🙂

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    1. I hadn’t even thought about it from that point of view but yes, you’re spot on! I’m going to have to start calling you Helgaine from now on, I think 🙂

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      1. hm, now I’m wondering, how come Germans, being all practical and all, did not see to solving this problem. Like why not add some zipper (like on sleeping bags) so that one can zip two duvets into one for such an occasion? 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  12. I HATE the square pillows. Luckily normal rectangular ones are available. I bought mine from Karstadt for €5 each in the sale. Also, we have a double quilt! Actually, we have a king size quilt on a double bed. Hotels tend to go the 2 single mattresses route though. Some people even have 2 half sized,mattresses in a double frame so each person gets the type that best suits them. Oh, Germany!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m so confused! I live in Germany with a German and I’ve noticed these weird habits! And all the double beds have had double duvets! Hah maybe it’s a northern thing? Because I’m in the south :p x

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    1. Hmm, maybe it IS different from region to region? We need to get some more southerners on here to sort this out! Or maybe your German is just special?? 😉

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  14. Reblogged this on bestandworstofgermany and commented:
    The smart girl with a very sharp tongue has already covered a topic I wanted to write about. OK, I must admit, she did it probably much better than I would have done.

    I just want to add than since I moved to Germany with my own very good double blanket, it was extreemly painful to get the covers. Because everywhere you go in Germany the covers are for single blankets.

    Let me share the secret that you can get them only in TK Maxx and they are very expensive there! Another place to look for if you need is Ikea. And there they have a few nice designs and a way more affordable price than TK Maxx.

    Otherwise do not waist your time trying to get your double bed sheets in Germany! Such thing almost does not exist here. As explained in the reblogged post.

    Have fun readin´!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much! That’s wunderbar! 🙂 And far too complimentary 😉 I’ll be sharing your kezboard post on my FB page tomorrow – don’t want to overload people in one night but that gave me a great chuckle!

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  15. CHILLS
    The first half of this I can full-heartedly attest to having slept with The German for a week. On the one hand, ok, having my own blanket IS great (I have a hard enough time sharing the bed with someone – I can never get enough sleep with any boyfriend bc I like to move around a lot and I always feel like an ass waking them, so I am a tense ball of sleepless anxiety instead. END OVERSHARE). But on the other… it is sooooo weird!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Love the 2 comforters! We discovered them during a trip to Germany early in our marriage and I think it may possibly have saved our marriage. When husband turns over in bed he takes the covers with him and I froze before 2 comforters.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I’ve definitely come round to this concept though it seemed very strange in the beginning! I’m sure it’s saved many a relationship – or life 😉 Now if only the Germans could come up with an invention to cure snoring – other than a gun 😉 Thanks for reading and commenting! Linda.

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  17. Looks like you’ve just been unlucky with cheap landowners buying shite for pillows. Or have you been desperately trying to find decent stuff in shops? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I haven’t bought anything here yet and refuse to until I finally have my own place – it’s just more to move otherwise! But these pillows are standard – I think the only place you can get ‘normal’ ones is at IKEA – and we all know how I feel about that place 😉

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      1. The one on your picture really looks like a bottom-of-the-line feather pillow, with feathers that are too crappy and too few. At least, now you know the worst that the German pillow market has to offer. 🙂

        BTW, you might like this hilarious German sci-fi show:

        Just promise you won’t study German off it – I can’t get ‘verheiligte Weihnachtlichkeit’ out of my head, so be warned. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  18. They do that daft duvet thing in Denmark too. For the love of all that is good, why? Even when I slept in a single bed (which was a LONG time ago), I hated single duvets. They just don’t cover you and you end up with a draft on at least one side. The two-single-duvet approach was a disaster for us in Denmark. Because we were used to sleeping under just one (and that was our preference), we had them overlapping and there was always a bloody gap. As for the pillows – unless they start making beds 12 inches longer to make up for the lost space they just make no sense. Pillows go under your head and neck, not under your back. It’s just a waste of precious legroom. Sheesh!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha ha! Perhaps this wasn’t the best post for you to read – sounds like I’ve opened old wounds! I dunno, I can see the logic of the two-duvet system! Though the pillows are just WRONG!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree with June. Singles duvets would be a no-go for me. My husband and I layer two queen-sized sheets AND duvets (well, comforters, actually) . During the night, when tossing and turning occurs and the dog sneaks onto the bed to steal her share, we all have some sort of cover.

        This was never really necessary in my past relationships, but for us it is. Though unlike the efficient Germans with their singles, our American- Russian concoction of multiple sheets, pillows, and blankets is probably more excessive and overdone than efficient…but it’s the only way it works for us. Is that reinforcing stereotypes? 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Deeply sorry to disappoint. “My comforter is a satiny cream color with some brocade. “His” is this hideous… um…old-fashioned…thing his mother brought on one of her visits. how she fit it in the suitcase, I will never know. But she managed and I now have two clashing comforters. Animal print would be an upgrade. I promise you.

            Liked by 1 person

              1. Thankfully I sleep with my eyes closed, and listen to soothing meditation music. I block out any and all image of it. It’s when my eyes are open that the suffering starts. The funny thing is, it’s the one decorative thing we own that the fog hasn’t ever…EVER…chewed. All my beautiful decorative stuff (including dark brown leather sofa) gas either teeth marks or these holes that look like a giant moth got at them. But not the monstrosity. Nope.

                Yeah, it’s not so much Russian as Soviet chic. Muted floral. Yum. 😉

                Liked by 1 person

  19. So…perhaps my German wasn’t as German as real Germans when it came to *sleeping* and snuggling and sharing covers….but he was definitely German when it came to being able to sleep on pillows and beds formerly known as rocks.

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